1-2-3 Magic, Thank You For Being You

We have been having quite the crisis around my house lately. No, not the one where I lost my jobs. No, not the one where I have lost my mind with stress and depression over having lived with my in-laws for five years, the entire length of my marriage. No, the one I am talking about is the one in which my 3 1/2-year-old daughter, the former angel baby, glorious sleeper and perfectly behaved little model child decided that being well behaved was, like, totally 2008 and she was going to do what all the "cool toddlers" were doing and make everybody's life miserable.

What a little joiner.

I've talked about it before; how the week before she turned 3 it was like a switch flipped and she became a different child. Well, that was nothing folks. Because that child was Cindy fucking-Loo-Hoo compared to the Damian clone that has been running our household for the past month or so. She's bossy, she's obnoxious, she's whiny, she's demanding. Oh, and did I mention she was abusive? Yeah, mommy was getting punched, hit, kicked, scratched, bitten, and pinched on a daily basis, and was about ready to run away from home and join some welcoming group of gypsies if it didn't come to an end.

But all this began right about when my hours increased with work. And, working from home, as you can imagine, this meant that less attention was paid to her. Also, I was more stressed and had less patience. This created a vicious cycle of her feeling ignored, acting out, me overreacting and losing my patience, her getting out of control, then me giving her her way just to get some peace so I could work.

Not good. Not good at all.

Then I lost my jobs. Bad news, yes. More stress? Yes. Toddler's behavior? Ten times worse. We all know that kids are like dogs and bees. They can smell fear. And she could tell something was wrong with the family and acted out accordingly. So last week was probably the worst week we had ever had and an all time low in my parenting career. But I got smart, and remembered what we did when my stepson was completely unmanageable as a toddler. We called on people much smarter, more experienced and less messed up than we were. Out came the parenting books.

The one parenting book that we found to be extremely helpful with my stepson, who happens to be ADHD and had severe speech and developmental delays and learning disabilities as a toddler (now only struggles with the ADHD, has a come a LONG way and doing really well) was 1-2-3 Magic. It was easy and effective and we ended up using it for years with him. We even used a modified, watered down version of the technique of it up until now with our daughter, but had gotten away from being completely consistent, which is key with this program. So I made a command decision this week, that I was going to get the new edition of the book, read it cover to cover and devote myself to carrying it out and making a positive change in our household.

I forgot how hard the first few days were. I felt like a zookeeper in a crazy zoo full of psychotic animals who won't stay in their cages. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. All. Day. Long.

Good thing I was out of a job.

Day 2 wasn't much better. We spent most of the day counting and putting her in time out. But she seemed to understand the system better and would anticipate the third count and know she was going to time out and wish she hadn't pushed her limits. This was promising. It gave me hope for Day 3. And at least I got 3 minutes of peace every time I put her in time out in my bedroom about 50 times a day which equals approximately 150 minutes of peace for mommy. That's not bad for a mom who has not been getting ANY peace for months. I savored it.

Day 3 (yesterday) yielded much better results. It started off on shaky ground, and she was in time out within 30 minutes of waking up, but then she went to preschool and came home a different child. She didn't get a time out ALL AFTERNOON. Yes, she got to 2 quite a few times, but never got to 3. And there were a few times she said out loud, "if I get to 3, I get a time out," almost like a little toddler mantra, reminding herself to behave, and not only was it adorable, but it was a perfect little internalizing tool for self monitoring. I almost cheered out loud when I heard her say it.

So I think we are going to be OK. I know it isn't the end of the road. I know we are still going to have a lot of tough days, and she may regress to her rotten behavior and we will have to start all over again, but at least I know I have a plan. I know what to do.

And as a wise man once said, knowing is half the battle.

Help for Anissa Mayhew

This is taken from The Spohrs Are Multiplying, about Anissa Mayhew of Aiming Low, whom you may know from around the blogging community, Twitter, etc. She's hilariously funny, sweet and talented and tragically suffered a stroke yesterday:


12 pm Eastern UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

What we know is she had a massive stroke.

She bled into the brainstem and pons areas of the brain. She is no longer sedated but still unconcious and unresponsive. Vitals are mostly stable except for a lowgrade fever most likely due to the damage to the pons. The pons control the bodies ability to regulate temperature. She is still on a vent and it is unclear if she is capable of breathing on her own. She has had an mri/mra/ct today. An eeg is pending. We’re in a waiting game now for survival first, and ultimately for her to wake up.

—————

As you may have heard, Anissa, our beloved friend and leader at Aiming Low, suffered a stroke on Tuesday afternoon. She is in the hospital right now, in the ICU.

More than anything, Anissa needs your prayers and positive thoughts but to the many people in the Atlanta area who have offered help to the Mayhew family, we have set up a form for you to fill out so we can have everyone’s contact info in one place (please be assured your information will be kept private). If you are NOT in the Atlanta area but still want to help, you can also leave your information on that form.

Things that would be helpful right now are gift cards to restaurants and gift cards to the movies or to Blockbuster (to help keep the kids occupied) and gas/hotel gift cards for her extended family. We will be setting up a PO Box on Wednesday and posting the address here along with any updates. Please don’t send anything to the hospital or the Mayhew home. If you have questions, please email helpforanissa@gmail.com

We ask that you please respect the Mayhew family’s privacy by NOT calling the hospital and we thank you all SO MUCH for your outpouring of love and support for Anissa and her family.

With thanks and love,
The Aiming Low Team

UPDATE: An address has been set up to send cards and packages:
860 Johnson Ferry Road 140-184
Atlanta, GA 30342

How Unemployment Got Me Out of a Ticket

Well, I have something else to be grateful for today. My unfortunate situation of finding myself without a job has gotten me out of a speeding ticket, however, you might say that I wouldn't have been in the situation of getting the ticket in the first place if it weren't for the unfortunate unemployment, but that's neither here not there. Here's what happened.

This morning I went to the unemployment office for the second time to apply for my benefits of which I have been paying into for years and have never taken advantage of. I have never actually even LOST a job, nevermind collected unemployment. I have never been fired, never laid off, have always left jobs of my own free will. Thus, I have never had the wonderful experience of applying for unemployment. Well, little did I know that they like to make it as difficult as possible. Like pull your hair out of your head, want to scream and kill someone difficult.

The first day I got there at 10:00 and there were NO appointments available so I was told to come back at 8:30 a.m. when they opened to snag a spot on another day and that it was first come, first served. So I lined up day care AGAIN today and got there at 8:39 a.m. (because I hit traffic) and was told the first spot that was available was 2:00. Unfortunately, I did not have day care at 2:00. So I turned on my heel and left. Again. Irritated and emotional, I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot.

As I drove down the street, fuming and frustrated, those tell tale blue lights started blinking in my rearview mirror. I looked at my speedometer to find that, yes, indeed, I was doing about 40-something in a 30 mph zone. My theory about puppy drowning and Nazi supporting was starting to really make sense because yes, I was being PULLED OVER as I pulled out of the unemployment office. They must have been REALLY cute puppies. I felt like I was in a bad sitcom. I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

By the time the police officer strode up to my driver's side window, tears were already streaming down my face and I handed him my registration and my debit card.

"Sorry, I don't take credit cards" he said with a smirk.

And I burst into hysterical tears.

I wish I had a camera to capture the look on this cop's face. I went on to blubber uncontrollably "I just left the unemployment office and they turned me away AGAIN and I have to go get my daughter and I don't have any more day care for her because I can't afford it anymore and I don't know what I am going to do and really officer I never speed ever my husband tells me I am such an old lady driver and I am really, really sorry. Really."

His face softened. He took my license and registration. And he said something I have never heard a police officer say ever in my life.

"It's going to be OK."

I wiped my tears away and tried to smile. He went on to tell me about how his son was out of work and he had a lot of friend who were unemployed and we chatted about how hard it was out there right now. He was actually really sweet. By the end of it, I thought he was going to reach through the window and give me a hug. He told me he was just going to give me a written warning and that he wished me the best of luck with everything. And with a big, warm smile, he was gone.

And that, my friends, is how unemployment got me out of a ticket. Although I have a sneaking suspicion it had more to do with my pathetic crying.

I'm So Bleepin' Thankful it Hurts, AKA The One Where I Lose My Job

Yup, so I lost my job. Wait, correction. I lost my JOBSSSSS. The last two. My full time editing job AND my column at Toy With Me are gone, gone, gone, gone daddy gone, as the Violent Femmes would say. I'm not sure what I did in a previous life to deserve losing both my jobs in the same week but I am only guessing that it's something akin to drowning adorable puppies while supporting Adolf Hitler. However, after taking a week to be a miserable, sobbing mess and feeling awful for myself, I have decided to crawl out from under the proverbial rock I have been under and throw myself back into life (and blogging) because hell, what else is there to do!

The first thing on my agenda is to take stock, during this time of intense sucktastic-ness of the things that I have to be grateful for. So here they are, in no particular order:

1. Now that I am unemployed, I have TONS of time to blog.

2. My kids have only gotten colds this winter season (knock on wood) and some families have really been hit hard with H1N1.

3. Since losing my job, my husband has been amazingly supportive and sweet and it seems to be bringing us closer together to be faced with the possibility of our impending failure at life.

4. I have no loved ones overseas or that have been injured or killed in the war.

5. Unemployment. Nuff said.

6. Now I have no excuse not to work out so I plan on getting into smokin' hot shape.

7. The Jonas Brothers.

8. Now I can concentrate on finishing my book and hopefully get a book deal.

9. My house is almost done, and as long as we can stay afloat for the next few months and not go into foreclosure, we will be moving in at the beginning of the year and out of my in-laws house.

10. The Jonas Brothers.

Yes, I know I listed the Jonas Brothers twice. But they are really helping me get through this tough time right now. Heh. Don't judge me. I am not drinking excessively or doing drugs. So what if I have a little obsession with some young, tight pants wearin' purity ring-sportin' teen idols?

Shut up.

OK, so here's the plan. On Saturday I am bringing my daughter to an open casting call for child modeling/acting since she is such a little ham and keeps telling me she wants to be famous. So I figure we get her to start bringing home the bacon, and I can live off her fame and fortune for a few years until my book takes off, then I'll tour the country and get famous myself and my family and friends will never have to worry about money again because I will HAVE THEIR BACKS.

What do you think? Good plan? I think so. I might be slightly delusional, but it's OK, it's my defense mechanism right now and it's keeping me from not showering and sitting around eating Ben and Jerry's all day in dirty sweat pants and holey tee shirts. I figure by the time I need a real plan, I will probably be lucid again.

At least we can hope so :)

This Little Piggy Went to Market, This Little Piggy Stayed Home...With Swine Flu

OK, I am officially freaked out.

I was remaining so calm and level headed about the whole swine flu epidemic, and wasn't giving into the mass panic that the media seemed hell bent on creating on the outbreak. I decided to give my kids the vaccine, and even when the doctor's office called me the day before their appointment and told me they were out and did not have any idea whether they would be getting anymore, I still didn't get nervous. But now, it has hit close to home, and it is now safe to say that I am worried.

My cousin's daughter, who we trick or treated with, hugged, kissed, and shared air with all night Friday and who hung out with my kids all day yesterday, has H1N1. She was diagnosed this morning and since it is contagious for up to 24 hours before symptoms begin, we may have been exposed and my kids were definitely exposed.

Ugh.

This is all I need right now. I am already up half the night unable to sleep because of all my anxieties about money, work and getting our house done. Now I get to have scary visions of my whole household coming down with swine flu, totally disrupting whatever semblance of balance we currently have. I know that most people only get a mild version, and that most people who get really sick or die have pre-existing conditions that make them at-risk, but I have to admit, I AM FREAKING OUT.

I thought maybe we would float through this pandemic like immunity rock stars, that maybe, just maybe, the universe had decided that we had enough shit on our plates and they might let this shit storm slide. My fingers are crossed. I am saying a novena and doing a Wiccan spell tonight. And I am going out to buy a CASE of Purell tomorrow. I will BATHE my children in it if I have to.

You better watch out Piggy Flu. You don't know who you're messing with. A mommy scorned is NOT one to mess with.

I Totally Suck at Life

Yes, you read that correctly. Lately, I suck at life. How can you possibly suck at life, you may be asking. Especially since that is the one and only reason we were created--to LIVE--so how could someone suck at their primary instinct? I don't know, all I know is that I do. HARD.

I can't write for shit. I am working all the time and still not getting all my work done. The house is a mess, the kids don't get enough attention, and I haven't cooked dinner in a week. To top it all off, I got sick AGAIN (after just having a bad cold about three weeks ago) so apparently my immune system is malfunctioning, which is further proof that I SUCK AT LIFE.

I can't think straight or remember anything. I feel like I am putting in 110% of my energy and only accomplishing about 50% of what needs to be done. I am irritable, unhappy and completely unmotivated.

I know, you didn't realize this was going to be such an inspiring, uplifting post, did you?

So basically, I just want to apologize to everyone for not posting, not reading blogs and commenting and not interacting much on Twitter. I'm not really sure how to remedy this predicament, but I have an inkling it may require large doses of psychotropic drugs and possibly a lobotomy.

If I am not drooling and staring into space in a vegetative state by next week, I will let you all know how it is progressing. In the meantime, Happy Halloween. Any guess what my costume is?

Yes, you guessed it, a ZOMBIE MOM. I think it's quite fitting really.

Boobs, Glorious Boobs

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness week, ToyWithMe.com has had a boob-themed week, so if you head over there today, you can read my story about the power of breasts. And if you would like to donate to the Susan G. Komen fund to help with finding a cure for breast cancer, click on the banner above and it will take you directly to the Donations page.

My mother had a lump removed from her breast when I was 14 years old. Thankfully, it was benign and she has not had any problems since, but I know many that have been affected by this terrible disease. I even have a friend who, at a mere 30 years old, recently had a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I just want to reach out to all the women reading this today and ask that you are VIGILANT about checking your breasts for lumps and getting mammograms starting at the age of 40, and earlier if there is a history of breast cancer in your family.

I want you (and your boobs) around for a really, really, long time.

Everybody feel your boobs and have a great weekend!

I'm Everywhere

Today I am urging you to read me in not one, not two, but THREE places on the internet. I know, I know, I am spreading faster than the swine flu, and there's no vaccine (although some might wish there was). But if you are one of the awesome people that don't, and you like reading me, then head over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog for "You Know You're a Sexy Mom When..." and THEN head over to Toywithme.com and read the story of my very first vibrator. Overshare? Perhaps. But hilariously funny.

Since today is Friday and I am completely unmotivated (and plus, I gave you plenty of things to read already!) I am going to end this post here. I am off to peruse my new Collector's Edition Jonas Brothers Rolling Stone...

THE END

Sex and The Suburbs Blog Launches Today!

What are you doing here??? Get over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog NOW.

There's nothing to see here today. Move along. Yup, that means you.

Jonas Brothers, How Do We Love Thee?

Thousands of screaming pre-pubescent girls filled Mohegan Sun Arena waiting for the magical moment when the objects of their obsession would take the stage and serenade them with songs of teen angst, love and rock and roll.

There we were. Right in the middle of all of it.

And it. Was. Awesome.

The day started with my dear, little angel waking up at 6 a.m. As I entered her bedroom, she shot up out of bed and cried "IT'S JONAS BROTHERS DAY!!!!!'

Indeed, in fact, it was. But we weren't leaving for another five hours...

We spent the morning counting down the minutes until it was time to get ready.

Here she is right before we left:

Her tee-shirt says "Biggest Little Jonas Brothers Fan" and yes, her super crafty, uber devoted mother made it for her (THAT'S ME). I even ironed on the sequined guitar and silver stars on the back. I RULE.


Here she is practicing her "I am so cute you can't stand it" face.

This is her "Enough pictures Mom, let's GO" face.

So off we went. Here she is in the car on the way. The excitement was mounting:

And after about an hour and 50 minutes, we made it there. Little did I know that not only would she be the biggest little Jonas Brothers fan, but did you know that teenage girls LOVE 3-year-old little girls? Yeah, I felt like we were with the band or something, the way they all gushed over her and how cute she was. People stopped just to talk to us and one nice mom with her daughter offered to take our picture. Here it is:

Then we waited outside the arena in a sea of young girls, and my little social butterfly made friends with even MORE people. Here she is outside, waiting to go in:

There was a lot of squealing and bouncing. And it was hot because we were squeezed in like sardines. This was not my favorite part of the day.

But then it was time to go in. So we made our way through the doors and found our seats. Here we are sitting in Section 21, Row U, seats 13 and 14:

She had her glow stick and she was ready to rock. Here is the view of the stage from our seats:

The opening act was The Wonder Girls. And let me tell you, there was nothing wonderful about them. They sucked big time. But then it was time for the JoBros. The excitement in the air was palpable and Baby Girl just kept saying "it's Jonas Brothers time, isn't it?" while bouncing up and down in her seat. I might have been just a little bit excited too. I didn't bounce though. Really. OK, maybe a little...

The show began. The boys were adorable. The music was great, and the energy from the thousands of screaming girls made me feel young again. But watching my daughter dance her little heart out was the best part. And when she screamed at me "Get up and DANCE Mommy!!!" I got up and danced with her. It was just pure, unadulterated joy. Here she is rocking out:

The show was actually pretty short, so about an hour and a half later, we were filing out of the arena and battling the crowds again. But the fun didn't stop there. We didn't get to meet the Jonas Brothers, but there was this in the lobby that you would have thought was the Jonas Brothers themselves when my daughter caught sight of it:

How can you go wrong with a day of screaming girls, an incredibly good looking and talented boy band show AND an animatronic wolf on the top of a huge rock waterfall?

It doesn't get any better than that folks.

And she is already asking when we get to go again.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Today was supposed to be the launch of my new blog, Sex and The Suburbs, but due to various factors, such as the fact that I was really sick last week, and then my daughter and I took off to see The Jonas Brothers this weekend and partied like rock stars (aka saw the concert then went to Friendly's after for dinner) and then yesterday I was totally wiped out and STILL sick, Sex and The Suburbs is NOT ready to be unveiled.

I'm sorry, and my pants are TOTALLY on fire right now. Feel free to throw things at me.

But I did have good intentions of having it ready today, so really I didn't exactly lie, I guess I just didn't follow through on my promises. Either way, I apologize and am going to work VERY hard on getting my first post up on Wednesday, barring anymore illnesses, Jonas Brothers concerts and/or emergencies or laziness on my part.

So, to make up for this little snafu, I will be providing the illustrious and exciting story of our adventure to Mohegan Sun to see the JoBros for your reading pleasure tomorrow. It's complete with pictures and even a video. You're welcome. Am I forgiven? I sure hope so.

So check back tomorrow to hear all about our girls' trip to CT and how we survived thousands of screaming tween girls and then Wednesday, Sex and The Suburbs will be ready to rock your world.

Hopefully.

P.S. Starting this week, my pieces at ToyWithMe.com are starting as a weekly column, instead of bi-weekly, so keep on the lookout for them every Friday!

Not Even Close To Wordless Wednesday: Good News/Bad News

OK, so we will start with some good news. My daughter started dance class on Monday and she LOVES it. Here she is showing off some of her sweet moves:

But now we move on to some bad news. My debit card got hacked and some loser scumbag asshat charged about $250 worth of Boos Mobile minutes and Asian food using it. Thankfully, I found the first charge last Friday night and called immediately so it could have been much worse. Also, thankfully, I did not have much money in there so they couldn't make any big purchases. One of the only times when being broke is a good thing. But what really sucked was that I was planning on buying some Jonas Brothers tickets for me and my daughter, and since it was going to take seven days to get my money back and the concert is this weekend, I was pretty sure that dream was down the toilet. HOWEVER, a little angel who restored my faith in humanity made it possible. So, yes, the next piece of good news is...

My little girl and I are taking a girls road trip and going to The Jonas Brothers this weekend!!!!!!!!!

We are just a little bit excited. And by just a little bit, I mean that she has woken up every morning this week asking if it's time to go see The Jonas Brothers. And I might be putting quite a bit of thought into what to wear and how to do my hair so I don't look like an old, desperate cougar amongst all the screaming tween girls. But no matter what, we are going to have a blast, because they really do put on an awesome show and live music is always AWESOME.

Ok, now for some more bad news. Yesterday I started getting sick. So I have been pumping myself full of fluids, taking Vitamin C and Zinc and hubby came home and made me chicken soup last night. So I am working very hard on getting better by Saturday so I am able to fully enjoy the Jonas Brothers experience.

Good news! The Sex and The Suburbs blog is going to launch next week! I know, I know, you just can't contain yourselves! So Monday, I will be posting a link to the very first Sex and The Suburbs post at its new home, and I expect all of you to come, read, comment and get in on the discussions. I really need you. And you. Yes, you too. Don't try to hide over there in the corner, I see you. And I need you too.

So, I will end on that positive note, instead of the other piece of bad news I have cause it's really not THAT bad and I am all about looking on the bright side. Heh.

Happy Wednesday!