This Little Piggy Went to Market, This Little Piggy Stayed Home...With Swine Flu

OK, I am officially freaked out.

I was remaining so calm and level headed about the whole swine flu epidemic, and wasn't giving into the mass panic that the media seemed hell bent on creating on the outbreak. I decided to give my kids the vaccine, and even when the doctor's office called me the day before their appointment and told me they were out and did not have any idea whether they would be getting anymore, I still didn't get nervous. But now, it has hit close to home, and it is now safe to say that I am worried.

My cousin's daughter, who we trick or treated with, hugged, kissed, and shared air with all night Friday and who hung out with my kids all day yesterday, has H1N1. She was diagnosed this morning and since it is contagious for up to 24 hours before symptoms begin, we may have been exposed and my kids were definitely exposed.

Ugh.

This is all I need right now. I am already up half the night unable to sleep because of all my anxieties about money, work and getting our house done. Now I get to have scary visions of my whole household coming down with swine flu, totally disrupting whatever semblance of balance we currently have. I know that most people only get a mild version, and that most people who get really sick or die have pre-existing conditions that make them at-risk, but I have to admit, I AM FREAKING OUT.

I thought maybe we would float through this pandemic like immunity rock stars, that maybe, just maybe, the universe had decided that we had enough shit on our plates and they might let this shit storm slide. My fingers are crossed. I am saying a novena and doing a Wiccan spell tonight. And I am going out to buy a CASE of Purell tomorrow. I will BATHE my children in it if I have to.

You better watch out Piggy Flu. You don't know who you're messing with. A mommy scorned is NOT one to mess with.

I Totally Suck at Life

Yes, you read that correctly. Lately, I suck at life. How can you possibly suck at life, you may be asking. Especially since that is the one and only reason we were created--to LIVE--so how could someone suck at their primary instinct? I don't know, all I know is that I do. HARD.

I can't write for shit. I am working all the time and still not getting all my work done. The house is a mess, the kids don't get enough attention, and I haven't cooked dinner in a week. To top it all off, I got sick AGAIN (after just having a bad cold about three weeks ago) so apparently my immune system is malfunctioning, which is further proof that I SUCK AT LIFE.

I can't think straight or remember anything. I feel like I am putting in 110% of my energy and only accomplishing about 50% of what needs to be done. I am irritable, unhappy and completely unmotivated.

I know, you didn't realize this was going to be such an inspiring, uplifting post, did you?

So basically, I just want to apologize to everyone for not posting, not reading blogs and commenting and not interacting much on Twitter. I'm not really sure how to remedy this predicament, but I have an inkling it may require large doses of psychotropic drugs and possibly a lobotomy.

If I am not drooling and staring into space in a vegetative state by next week, I will let you all know how it is progressing. In the meantime, Happy Halloween. Any guess what my costume is?

Yes, you guessed it, a ZOMBIE MOM. I think it's quite fitting really.

Boobs, Glorious Boobs

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness week, ToyWithMe.com has had a boob-themed week, so if you head over there today, you can read my story about the power of breasts. And if you would like to donate to the Susan G. Komen fund to help with finding a cure for breast cancer, click on the banner above and it will take you directly to the Donations page.

My mother had a lump removed from her breast when I was 14 years old. Thankfully, it was benign and she has not had any problems since, but I know many that have been affected by this terrible disease. I even have a friend who, at a mere 30 years old, recently had a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I just want to reach out to all the women reading this today and ask that you are VIGILANT about checking your breasts for lumps and getting mammograms starting at the age of 40, and earlier if there is a history of breast cancer in your family.

I want you (and your boobs) around for a really, really, long time.

Everybody feel your boobs and have a great weekend!

I'm Everywhere

Today I am urging you to read me in not one, not two, but THREE places on the internet. I know, I know, I am spreading faster than the swine flu, and there's no vaccine (although some might wish there was). But if you are one of the awesome people that don't, and you like reading me, then head over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog for "You Know You're a Sexy Mom When..." and THEN head over to Toywithme.com and read the story of my very first vibrator. Overshare? Perhaps. But hilariously funny.

Since today is Friday and I am completely unmotivated (and plus, I gave you plenty of things to read already!) I am going to end this post here. I am off to peruse my new Collector's Edition Jonas Brothers Rolling Stone...

THE END

Sex and The Suburbs Blog Launches Today!

What are you doing here??? Get over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog NOW.

There's nothing to see here today. Move along. Yup, that means you.

Jonas Brothers, How Do We Love Thee?

Thousands of screaming pre-pubescent girls filled Mohegan Sun Arena waiting for the magical moment when the objects of their obsession would take the stage and serenade them with songs of teen angst, love and rock and roll.

There we were. Right in the middle of all of it.

And it. Was. Awesome.

The day started with my dear, little angel waking up at 6 a.m. As I entered her bedroom, she shot up out of bed and cried "IT'S JONAS BROTHERS DAY!!!!!'

Indeed, in fact, it was. But we weren't leaving for another five hours...

We spent the morning counting down the minutes until it was time to get ready.

Here she is right before we left:

Her tee-shirt says "Biggest Little Jonas Brothers Fan" and yes, her super crafty, uber devoted mother made it for her (THAT'S ME). I even ironed on the sequined guitar and silver stars on the back. I RULE.


Here she is practicing her "I am so cute you can't stand it" face.

This is her "Enough pictures Mom, let's GO" face.

So off we went. Here she is in the car on the way. The excitement was mounting:

And after about an hour and 50 minutes, we made it there. Little did I know that not only would she be the biggest little Jonas Brothers fan, but did you know that teenage girls LOVE 3-year-old little girls? Yeah, I felt like we were with the band or something, the way they all gushed over her and how cute she was. People stopped just to talk to us and one nice mom with her daughter offered to take our picture. Here it is:

Then we waited outside the arena in a sea of young girls, and my little social butterfly made friends with even MORE people. Here she is outside, waiting to go in:

There was a lot of squealing and bouncing. And it was hot because we were squeezed in like sardines. This was not my favorite part of the day.

But then it was time to go in. So we made our way through the doors and found our seats. Here we are sitting in Section 21, Row U, seats 13 and 14:

She had her glow stick and she was ready to rock. Here is the view of the stage from our seats:

The opening act was The Wonder Girls. And let me tell you, there was nothing wonderful about them. They sucked big time. But then it was time for the JoBros. The excitement in the air was palpable and Baby Girl just kept saying "it's Jonas Brothers time, isn't it?" while bouncing up and down in her seat. I might have been just a little bit excited too. I didn't bounce though. Really. OK, maybe a little...

The show began. The boys were adorable. The music was great, and the energy from the thousands of screaming girls made me feel young again. But watching my daughter dance her little heart out was the best part. And when she screamed at me "Get up and DANCE Mommy!!!" I got up and danced with her. It was just pure, unadulterated joy. Here she is rocking out:

The show was actually pretty short, so about an hour and a half later, we were filing out of the arena and battling the crowds again. But the fun didn't stop there. We didn't get to meet the Jonas Brothers, but there was this in the lobby that you would have thought was the Jonas Brothers themselves when my daughter caught sight of it:

How can you go wrong with a day of screaming girls, an incredibly good looking and talented boy band show AND an animatronic wolf on the top of a huge rock waterfall?

It doesn't get any better than that folks.

And she is already asking when we get to go again.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Today was supposed to be the launch of my new blog, Sex and The Suburbs, but due to various factors, such as the fact that I was really sick last week, and then my daughter and I took off to see The Jonas Brothers this weekend and partied like rock stars (aka saw the concert then went to Friendly's after for dinner) and then yesterday I was totally wiped out and STILL sick, Sex and The Suburbs is NOT ready to be unveiled.

I'm sorry, and my pants are TOTALLY on fire right now. Feel free to throw things at me.

But I did have good intentions of having it ready today, so really I didn't exactly lie, I guess I just didn't follow through on my promises. Either way, I apologize and am going to work VERY hard on getting my first post up on Wednesday, barring anymore illnesses, Jonas Brothers concerts and/or emergencies or laziness on my part.

So, to make up for this little snafu, I will be providing the illustrious and exciting story of our adventure to Mohegan Sun to see the JoBros for your reading pleasure tomorrow. It's complete with pictures and even a video. You're welcome. Am I forgiven? I sure hope so.

So check back tomorrow to hear all about our girls' trip to CT and how we survived thousands of screaming tween girls and then Wednesday, Sex and The Suburbs will be ready to rock your world.

Hopefully.

P.S. Starting this week, my pieces at ToyWithMe.com are starting as a weekly column, instead of bi-weekly, so keep on the lookout for them every Friday!

Not Even Close To Wordless Wednesday: Good News/Bad News

OK, so we will start with some good news. My daughter started dance class on Monday and she LOVES it. Here she is showing off some of her sweet moves:

But now we move on to some bad news. My debit card got hacked and some loser scumbag asshat charged about $250 worth of Boos Mobile minutes and Asian food using it. Thankfully, I found the first charge last Friday night and called immediately so it could have been much worse. Also, thankfully, I did not have much money in there so they couldn't make any big purchases. One of the only times when being broke is a good thing. But what really sucked was that I was planning on buying some Jonas Brothers tickets for me and my daughter, and since it was going to take seven days to get my money back and the concert is this weekend, I was pretty sure that dream was down the toilet. HOWEVER, a little angel who restored my faith in humanity made it possible. So, yes, the next piece of good news is...

My little girl and I are taking a girls road trip and going to The Jonas Brothers this weekend!!!!!!!!!

We are just a little bit excited. And by just a little bit, I mean that she has woken up every morning this week asking if it's time to go see The Jonas Brothers. And I might be putting quite a bit of thought into what to wear and how to do my hair so I don't look like an old, desperate cougar amongst all the screaming tween girls. But no matter what, we are going to have a blast, because they really do put on an awesome show and live music is always AWESOME.

Ok, now for some more bad news. Yesterday I started getting sick. So I have been pumping myself full of fluids, taking Vitamin C and Zinc and hubby came home and made me chicken soup last night. So I am working very hard on getting better by Saturday so I am able to fully enjoy the Jonas Brothers experience.

Good news! The Sex and The Suburbs blog is going to launch next week! I know, I know, you just can't contain yourselves! So Monday, I will be posting a link to the very first Sex and The Suburbs post at its new home, and I expect all of you to come, read, comment and get in on the discussions. I really need you. And you. Yes, you too. Don't try to hide over there in the corner, I see you. And I need you too.

So, I will end on that positive note, instead of the other piece of bad news I have cause it's really not THAT bad and I am all about looking on the bright side. Heh.

Happy Wednesday!

Sexting, The Jonas Brothers and a New Pair of Uggs

Alright people, there's lots to talk about today. First of all, head over to ToyWithMe.com and check out my article today on Sexting. You won't want to miss it, especially if you are looking for a little somthin' somethin' to spice things up in your relationship.

Second, my daughter wants to see the Jonas Brothers. Yes, she is 3, and yes, that is young to go to a concert, I know. But maybe Ikindawannaseethemtoo. So Operation Get Petra Jonas Brothers Tickets for her Adorable Daughter has commenced, you might have seen the Twitter campaign already. If anyone has tickets they are looking to get rid of CHEAP for Mohegan Sun on October 10th at 3:00 for the JoBros, or if you know anyone who does, PLEASE let me know. Or, conversely, if you need someone whacked or need a kidney, I'd be happy to oblige in order to make the money to score some tix on Stubhub or Craigslist.

P.S. If you know anyone at Mohegan Sun or have connections of any sort to get us in a meet and greet, I will seriously give you my next born child. Because my daughter keeps saying "I'm going to meet Joe Jonas and I am going to give him a hug and tell him I love his music," which is THE cutest thing ever and it makes me want to rip out my organs and sell them on the black market to make it happen for her. Yes, she has me wrapped around her little finger. But, really, how could you resist this face?

And lastly, there is an AWESOME contest going on for bloggers and web site owners out there for a free pair of UGG boots. All you have to do is go to this link and put in your name, email and blog address and then stick the button on your blog and you are immediately entered. And as long as you keep it on your blog, you will continuously be entered in the contest every month for another chance to win! So do it and win some awesome $150 boots!

So that's it for now! Stay tuned because the Sex and The Suburbs blog is coming soon. I will give you plenty of advance notice here for when the big unveil is going to be, and you won't want to miss it!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Beyonce, Eat Your Heart Out...

I have to post this because I am just amazed at the pure, raw talent that my daughter possesses already at 3 years old. But I would like to preface this by saying that it was HER idea (even the leotard and the patent leather shoes) and I am NOT going to be a stage mom.

With that being said, enjoy! May it bring a smile to your face on this Monday!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I am 30.

I started out like this:


I wish I looked like this:


But I actually look like this:


And that's OK, because I have this:

Not bad for 30 years, if I say so myself.

There is a God, and He Created Slimwear

How have I not realized that there is a product out there that could have completely changed my life three years ago? How could I have not been schooled in the true miracle that is slimming shapewear? For realz ladies, my life will never be the same, and it is all because of these:


Why there is not a mandatory class on slimming foundational garments for all women over the age of 18, I will never understand. I am reeling at all the form-fitting dresses and awesome jeans that I could have worn all these years, with nary a bulge or muffin top. They are comfortable, completely discreet and come in a variety of colors and styles to compliment any wardrobe and make you look smokingly slim and firm.

I am in love.

And all because while lamenting over the muffin toppiness, I decided to try using my belly band from when I was pregnant to see if it sucked things in enough to smooth out the bumps. And it did. And that got me thinking...maybe there is a garment made specifically for this purpose NOT for pregnant women, but just for us chubby mommies who need a little sucking and tucking in. I knew that there were corsets and other torturous equipment out there, and I had even heard of Spanx, but strangley thought Spanx were something completely different from what they actually are...don't ask. But I really didn't know that there are DOZENS of companies that make these camisols and body shaping thingies that don't suffocate you nor make you look like an old lady.

Oh, how naive and ignorant I have been.

The best part? They are not that expensive! But, honestly, I would pay through the nose for anything that made me look thinner. Seriously, these things take off at least 10 pounds and smooth everything out.

I am wearing one every day. I am wearing one to bed (although I am interested to see what happens the first time hubby tries to undress me while I am wearing one, cause really, they are kinda like sausage casings and I have to pull out my best contortionist impression when donning it and removing it myself...). But it's a small price to pay for banishing my muffin top.

So ladies, if you haven't checked out these miracle garments, please do. You will thank me for it when you are strutting around town in your skinny jeans with confidence.

By the way, nobody is paying me to endorse this product in any way shape or form, I just felt I needed to share this new discovery with all the other moms or muffin-topped ladies like me out there. How about you, what is your beauty secret you just can't live without?

I am reeling about all the things that could be out there that I don't know about.

A product that removes cellulite and simultaneously charges your ipod perhaps? A cell phone that prevents wrinkles? Come on ladies, don't hold back on me--DISH!