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OK, so here is the MEME!
1. Where were you 10 years ago?
I was just starting college at Bridgewater State in Bridgewater, MA. I was young, stupid and completely "against the grain" in my mind, complete with pink streaked hair, tongue ring and tattoos. How LAME, right?
2. What's on Today's To-Do List?
Hmmm...what do I need to do or what do I WANT to do? OK, well, I am supposed to do two more hours of editing and then write two or three small articles. However, of course, I would much rather do the kind of writing that I DON'T get paid for (a.k.a. my blog) and sit around watching movies and painting with my kids.
3. Name Five Places You Have Lived
Brookline, MA, Dedham, MA, Foxboro, MA, North Attleboro, MA, Medfield, MA--Yes, I have never left Massachusetts, despite my far-fetched dreams of making it in New York or Hollywood.
4. Name Three of Your Bad Habits
Just three?? OK, well, I shop too much and buy too much stuff for my children. I hate cleaning the bathroom; therefore, I don't do it as much as I should, to the point where sometimes I am even grossed out (I always swear when we move, I will do better. We'll see). I am WAY too sensitive and insecure and constantly worry about my looks and my body. It annoys my husband to no end, as you can imagine.
5. What Are Your Favorite Snacks?
Ice cream, chocolate and cookies!!!! If it is fattening and sweet, shove it in my mouth please!
6. Who Will You Tag for This Meme?
Athena over at Hot Child in the Suburbs and Karly at Wiping Up Snot
So thanks Mama of Romance, I feel sexier just for doing this survey. (Insert sexy image of me here--use your imagination--it's better than the real thing, I promise.)
I just checked it and here is a list of the most perverted, freaky google searches that brought creepy people to my site (and a couple that are just funny):
1. boner boy 8yo + 9 yo (I am hoping this is a mom looking for answers on her son having a boner, not someone looking for 8 and 9-year-old "boner boys."
2. hygiene from not showering (glad to know others are concerned about this)
3. "big ass" (yes, I have one, so what?)
4. mommy's vigina structure after birth (and yes, they did misspell vagina)
5. people that have met the devil (yep, that's me!)
6. young mommies who like to fuck (EW!)
7. young world wide girls sexy (you do find a lot of those frequenting my blog)
8. mommy up the arse (yes, sometimes...)
9. pretty girl sex with dog (hopefully the dog is just watching...)
and last but not least:
10. sex site:thewiseyoungmommy.blogspot.com (WTF??)
Apparently someone out there knows about my blog and thinks it's a sex site??? I have to admit, that really skeeved me. (I thought the news of my underground porno ring hadn't spread that far.)
OK, so for those of you perverts, creeps and dirty, unwashed people reading my blog:
Thanks for comin'!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Later that day, I was eating a not-so-desirable Lean Cuisine meal that, for anyone who has ever eaten one knows, doesn't consist of much food. My daughter had already eaten dinner, but I know that she loves to eat the broccoli out of my frozen meals, so I immediately put the broccoli aside for her. Who am I to deny my child green vegetables right? But it made me think again. I love broccoli too. But it didn't even occur to me to eat the broccoli myself; my mommy instincts said "give it to the kid!"
This sparked an interesting dialogue with myself about the sacrifices we make as mothers. I thought of all the things I have sacrificed and how it has affected my life. Here is the list I came up with:
1. My body (Before I got pregnant, I was in smokin-hot pilates-ass shape and I haven't seen my waist since then).
2. My sex life (Ever since pushing a seven pound mass of cells into this world, sex just hasn't been the same).
3. My food (as stated above, I would rather have my kids eat than myself. Therefore, if I order something that one of my kids decides they like better than what they ordered, I offer up my plate).
4. My free time (what is this again? I forget...)
5. My social life (again, ditto above).
6. My sanity (how many times a day do I found myself feeling like I am on the very, very edge of the precipice and am almost ready to fall over into the depths of actual mental illness? Hmmm, more than I can count).
7. My wardrobe (due to the need to keep my children in fashionable, comfortable clothes in the right sizes at all times, I never buy clothes for myself; in addition to the fact that I don't want to buy "fat" clothes to cover my post pregnancy body).
8. My brain (I swear I am not as sharp as I used to be, and most of my conversations are with individuals under the age of 9. My memory is crap and I can't keep track of my schedule to save my life. This is what they call "Mommy Brain." It started when I got pregnant and never went back to normal).
9. Sleep (Ah, this is one of my biggest sacrifices. One that I would give anything to be able to have again. I remember the days when I could sleep as late as I wanted on a Sunday morning and was never woken up in the middle of the night by a crying child. I long for those days).
So now that I have compiled this exhaustive list, I need to obtain an understanding of WHY I made it. I don't want to feel bad for myself and get all "woe is me" about everything I have given up as a mother. And I don't want sympathy from anyone (except maybe my husband, if it meant that I would get a back rub out of it). And I also know that all the sacrifices are 100% worth it. But I think I do need to realize that, although I get much in return through love and affection, I also need to fill in the gaps. Maybe some of these sacrifices don't have to be made. Maybe I can actually pay more attention to myself and make less sacrifices and more of an effort for myself.
So this is my goal. I am going to pay more attention to my needs and try to fill them, as WELL as my family's. Who said moms can't have it all?
Friday, September 26, 2008
Second of all, I want to thank my mom for the award she gave me yesterday. She is the author of All About Cakes and I would sincerely recommend checking out her blog for some awesome cake baking and decorating tips and tricks. She is an AMAZING baker and cake artist. Here is the award she gave me:
It is BY FAR the cutest award I have ever gotten, and the picture kinda reminds me of my daughter, so of course, I LOVE IT!
I am sending it right back at her!
I love you up to the sky and back Mom!!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Twenty-nine years ago today, my mother grunted, groaned and pushed out the little bundle of joy that is ME. For that, I am eternally grateful. Thanks Mama. However, there are some things I am not grateful for today, and those are:
1. I am sick. The whole family has been sick and I thought I had escaped it, but no, it was just a cruel joke and the illness decided to take hold right before my birthday. Boo, I say.
2. I have my period. Yes, too much information, I am sure, but get over it. Mother Nature has a sense of humor and she wanted to see if I could get through this last birthday before I turn 30 while fighting hormones, cramps and a backache that won't quit.
At the risk of seeming like an old fart, I will list the things I am grateful for on this, my 29th birthday:
1. My husband took my daughter to my sister's so I could have a day to rest and recuperate without the 2-year-old poking my eyeballs out every time I close my eyes, saying "Wake up Momma!"
2. There is ice cream in the refrigerator.
So things aren't all that bad, really.
Man, it seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my 21st birthday by getting inordinately drunk off tequila and marveling at how much more interesting my family was when they (and I) were drunk. How the time flies! I am pretty sure I am not where I thought I would be at 29 all those years ago. I probably would have told you that I would be in New York or L.A. living the life of a working actor, on my way to an Oscar (HA, the dreams of a naive young lass). But here I am: mommy, wife, writer (in that order), living with my in-laws and broke as a joke. It's not as depressing as it seems, I promise. First of all because my kids are the shit, THE cutest, smartest and funniest kids to ever drive a mother crazy. Secondly, because I married an awesome guy who has made it a lot more interesting going through all the tough times, and we still love each other and have fun together. And lastly, because I finally feel like I am doing what I was supposed to do as a profession by writing and editing. I feel at home at the computer, manipulating words and fixing sentence structure. So all in all, life is good.
And I am hoping that I am on my way to becoming a fine-ass cougar someday, and that will really make it all worth it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I made the mistake of letting her try it on...all day she cried and wailed "monkey costuuuuuume." I even put it on top of the computer desk's hutch and she tried to scale the computer desk to get it. See--perfect costume--she is a little MONKEY!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I can't believe it:
I WON! I am officially the Dottie Award winner of the title Drama Queen!
Thank you for everyone who voted for me. This is so exciting because I never won any superlatives in high school and I always wanted one sooooooo bad!
I am living out my adolescent dreams here on the internet and am so grateful that you have made it happen for me! At the moment, I am wearing my daughter's dress-up princess crown and waving regally as I prance around the house. I had an acceptance speech written, but in typical drama queen fashion, I am too choked up and overwhelmed to give it (here is where you pretend to be disappointed). Instead, I will just wipe my tears and say "thank you, thank you, thank you." And I would like to especially thank the little people. They put up with a lot of shit from us big people; you know, it can't be easy being little.
Not only did I win, but a host of other awesome bloggers won Dottie Awards, and here they are (in no particular order):
Most Likely to Succeed: Sandy: http://www.momisodes.com/
Homecoming Queen: Jen: http://poshpointofview.com/
Class President: Christy: http://thewritegal.wordpress.com/
Captain of the Cheer Squad: Kadi: http://www.wombattheinnsane.com
Class Clown: Jiggity Jigg: http://jiggetyjigg.blogspot.com
Biggest Nerd: Bridgette: http://www.thenotsoblog.blogspot.com/
Debate Team: Debateur Debates: http://debateurdebates.blogspot.com/
Miss Congienality: Kim: http://accidentalmommies.com/
Band Geek: She Lives: http://she-lives.typepad.com/
Teachers Pet: Mommyto2Princesses: http://mommyto2princess.blogspot.com/
There was also a very special award given to Jennifer at Happily-Ever-After-Land, who came in second for Homecoming Queen. They made up her very own Dottie--Miss America--because she is donating money to charity for the votes she received. Pretty awesome, huh? Good job Jennifer, you are quite the philanthropist!
So check out these other incredible blogs and look for me on MomDot.com. I will be interviewed and will be a featured blogger--how exciting!! I have never been interviewed before. Geesh, my pits are already starting to sweat, I just know I am going to say something really stupid or be really boring.
OK, I have to go have an anxiety attack now. But thank you again and I will do my best to be the best Drama Queen ever!
Well, I am faced with a mothering dilemma that I am quite sure I never would have anticipated having, and that my own mother, I am sure, wishes that I didn't have. This dilemma has to do with the six little pieces of art that I have had seared into my flesh in various areas on my now saggy, stretch-marked mommy body.
Yes, I have SIX, count 'em SIX, tattoos.
It all started when I was 15, really stupid and had a friend with a Bic pen and some India ink. Yeah, really gross. really irresponsible. Again, I was 15. And stupid. Did I mention that I was stupid? Not book stupid, but life stupid. I thought I was really cool and different, and all "Damn the man" (even though I got straight A's and had never been grounded in my life). But the tattoo matched my purple hair and my belly button and nose rings (to be followed by nipple and tongue rings and at one point, a haircut so short I almost put Sinead to shame) and it was just the natural progression of my alternative, against the grain "look." So I said "yeah, do it man!" swigged a contraband beer and clutched my friend's hand as this kid scratched a hasty half moon into my left big toe.
It now looks like my daughter scribbled blue magic marker on my toe. Attractive, huh?
I got my first legit tattoo at 17, when I "borrowed" my friend's ID, went down to Providence and had a little Japanese symbol done on my lower back. Cute, huh? Yeah, well, I didn't even check to make sure that it actually meant "virtue and goodness" (again, still stupid two years later), so he could have branded me with a symbol that meant "angry lesbian" for all I knew. Thankfully, I had one of those compassionate and ethical tattoo artists and it does actually mean what I was told. Phew.
Next to follow was a larger than life fairy and Tiger Lily flower on my left shoulder blade, which is, in my opinion, absolutely gorgeous. But LARGE. I mean, big. This thing takes up my whole shoulderblade, so there is no hiding this sucker. Which wasn't a problem back in my mysterious tattooed girl phase, but poses a bigger problem now in my mysterious tattooed mommy phase.
The last three tattoos went something like this:
Got bored, got a generic butterfly on my stomach (yes, this one looks mighty attractive now).
Got bored, got a Celtic knot on my ankle (totally boring and pointless).
Got bored, got a tribal sun on my lower back (the good thing about this one is that I didn't pay for it).
So here I sit. Mysterious tattooed mommy. Much older, not as stupid, and responsible for attending various parental obligations that now result in feeling more than a little self-conscious about all the other mommies and daddies that are ogling my tatts. I now have normal colored hair and no piercings (I don't even wear earrings, can't be bothered), but the evidence of my rebellion forever marks me like a big scarlett letter.
Now let me clarify. I did, and still do, love my tattoos. There is just something about them now that feels like they don't "fit" me anymore. I see plenty of moms with tattoos and think they look perfectly fine. I don't judge or think less of them as parents. But for me, for some reason, I feel like I have outgrown them. They were me 10 years ago, and now they hang around like that boyfriend that just can't take the hint that you have grown apart. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as an awkward phone call to get rid of these trespassers.
So the $20,000 question is this: Do I have them removed and put behind me those wild, fanciful years of self mutilation? Or do I live with the decisions I made back when I was young and stupid? (Right now my mother is sitting in her office chair saying "I told you so.) But the thing is, I don't regret getting them, and if I had a chance to go back, I would get them again. They were part of my life that was exciting and adventurous and that opened up a world of breaking out of the mold and finding my originality. I know I will not look at them as a mistake. But do I do what it takes to adjust now to my decisions from back then?
As for anyone that thinks I sould have them removed, can you loan me a few thousand dollars?
Thanks. I knew I could count on you.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Life has been a little stressful lately. I guess "little" is an understatement. Between waiting for my house to be finished, the kids, work, trying to stay afloat in this vicious economy, and some family "issues," I have been, we shall say for the sake of not calling myself anything hideous, "on edge." OK, OK, basically I have been a raving bitchy lunatic. But there is one thing that pulls me out of my stress-induced insanity, and that is ICE CREAM. Lately, at the end of a "pull your hair out, want to run away from home and put your kids on the curb" day, all I want is a big bowl of cold, creamy goodness smothered in chocolate syrup. I can feel it come on just after dinner. It's a little nagging feeling that can't be ignored. I deserve it, I tell myself. It will ease the pain of the stressful day (yes, I actually momentarily believe this to be true).
However, there is a catch to this little solution to my stress. After I eat this delicious, delectable and delightful treat...I FEEL SO MUCH WORSE.
Because the next stage in the sick little cycle is that I feel horribly guilty for pigging out and wish that I hadn't. You would think, being the intelligent and level-headed woman that I am, that I would be able to outsmart the cycle and realize before I eat the food that it is NOT going to make me feel better and that I am going to regret it after, so I may as well not eat it. Yes, you would think so. But tragically, no. It is as if I am possessed by the chocolate devil and somehow all past memories of the aftermath of the ice cream are sucked out of my head, leaving behind it a trail of rationalizations that assure me that YES, this ice cream will make it aaaaallllllll better.
So after the regretted eating of the ice cream, I tell myself NOT to do it again and that tomorrow will be different. But so far, every tomorrow is the same. When I stress, I eat to make it go away. And it doesn't, and I start all over again. How do I break this evil and manipulative cycle that is playing mind games with me to the point that I am almost done caring? What is it that is going to fill that void that I try to stuff with ice cream and cookies until I explode? I was loved as a kid. I get enough affection from my husband (when he's around) and I am trying to love myself. Aside from eliminating my life of all stressors (which, who are we kidding, is impossible), I am at a loss as to how to nip this in the bud.
I am seriously considering some shock therapy or hypnosis, but then with my luck, every time someone said ice cream, I would take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken.
Has anyone else conquered this beast? Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom to help me eliminate this monkey on my back that foils my attempts at weight loss again and again? I am fully open to suggestion. Here is the suggestion box; start filling it up!
Varier Chairs - 10/24/08
Friday, September 19, 2008
This is why I dress my children so well.
Oh, if only...
Thanks again to everyone who has voted for me for Drama Queen!
Everyone enjoy your weekend!
And Mommy Meryl gave me another Brilliante Weblog Award, so I am eternally grateful for that as well!
I want to send out a big thank you for everyone that is voting for me in the Dottie Awards! Last I checked I was in the lead, so my life may be spared yet! I am very excited and can't believe that I may actually win a superlative, because sadly, I never won any in high school! So this will ease the pain of my high school trauma, but unfortunately, I don't think it can help me with my current problem:
You all know what I am talking about, when you HATE everything you own, everything makes you look fat or doesn't fit right and the few items you do own that don't make you look like a fat homeless person have stains on them! ARGH!
I am thinking of switching to mu-mus.
What do you think? Is it me? It worked for my grandmother, who wore one every day of her life, I think. If I get a wild enough pattern, I won't even have to worry about stainage, and with no nasty waistband, I can eat to my heart's desire and not experience the overwhelmingly uncomfortable muffin top pinch. Come on, don't pretend like you don't know what I am talking about ladies. You know, the feeling like you just really NEED to unbutton your pants? Yeah, it's not pleasant. The mu-mu would solve all these problems and give me the freedom that I have always yearned for in my clothing.
It is a pretty hideous look and I guess I am not quite ready to take the plunge into completely letting myself go. This means only one thing. I have to go CLOTHES SHOPPING!
I don't want to do it. I really don't. The thought of standing in that little cubicle with the unflattering lights and warped mirror makes me break out into a cold sweat. There just isn't anything more depressing than going in with six items and coming out with six items that just made you look like crap. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of the 16-year-old size 4 Old Navy dressing room attendant by breaking down into tears again, so I have a plan. I am going to go into the store, pick out multiple items of clothing in all different sizes, buy them, bring them home, try them on, and bring back the ones that don't fit. That's it. The solution. I will not be broken by the pressure of the dressing room any longer.
I will survive the wardrobe crisis!
Now if I could just get past the whole gap in the waistband of my jeans that shows my butt crack when I bend over--life would be perfect!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
We had a tropical storm that day in Massachusetts, gail force winds and torrential downpours.
My wedding reception was outdoors.
So everyone pulled together and helped clean up the mess in the backyard of my parents' house so that I could have my dream wedding. By that afternoon, as the limo was pulling up to the house to bring me to the church, the sky cleared. It was a miracle. The wedding rocked. It was, in my opinion, the best wedding ever!
So in honor of my anniversary, I am going to post the 10 things that I love about my husband. Here goes:
10. He's a sexy bitch.
9. He always says I look good, even when I KNOW I don't.
8. He loves my boobs.
7. He's an awesome dad.
6. He thinks I am funny.
5. I can be myself around him.
4. He likes to cuddle.
3. He has a big...heart.
2. He doesn't have a hairy back (yet).
1. He made my dreams come true.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
And may I just call out for some votes for me for the Dotties for Drama Queen? I was in first, but now I am lagging by one vote! If you haven't voted, please go and vote for me! Thanks a bunch!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
...I sometimes let my children eat gross, non breakfast foods like macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for breakfast, just because they WILL NOT eat anything else...
...I let my kid eat her boogers because it's just not worth the fight...
...Occasionally I have to leave the room and ignore my children's whines and cries because I have just had enough...
...I let my daughter sit in the dirty laundry hamper and play with her doll because at least she is QUIET!...
...Every once in a while, I wish I was single and child free again, just for a moment...
...I don't always know what I am doing or that what I am doing is the right thing...
...Sometimes I do the WRONG thing, and I know it...
...I am not perfect.
But here is what DOES make me a GOOD mommy--
I love my children with all my heart and soul.
I would do ANYTHING for them.
I try every day to be a better mother...
and although I am not perfect, they will learn from my mistakes and be even better than me someday.
This post is dedicated to my mother, who taught me how to be the mom that I am today. And I think I turned out pretty good. Thanks Mom.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I am exhausted, hung over and never want to see a glass of red wine ever again (until tonight, of course). My lovely British pal and I had a ball during her visit and I dropped her off at the airport this morning after three hours of sleep and about four glasses of wine, so I am not really all that coherent. Please excuse this post if it wanders, babbles and meanders all over the place. So much happened while I was on my little break from the blogosphere and I don't really know where to start. I got quite a few awards, and a nomination for a Dottie Award (thanks to my shameless begging for one!) So I think I am going to use this welcome back post to thank all the people that honored me while I was away, as well as my kick-ass guest posters. Let's all take a second and give them a round of applause...
So here are the awards that I got that I haven't acknowledged yet. I got a totally original and sassy award from Jenni over at Jiggety Jigg:
And I got another I Love Your Blog Award from Mom on the Rise.
And Jennifer over at Happily-Ever-After-Land nominated me for Drama Queen for the Dottie Awards:
So if you would be so kind as to hop on over to MomDot and vote for me (if I get on the ballot), I would greatly appreciate it and will shower you with love and affection!
Now I am going to go beach myself on the sofa and try to get some precious, much-needed sleep. I will try to post something more interesting and less self-indulgent tomorrow, I promise!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Here are the rules:
-Only five people allowed
-Four have to be dedicated followers of your blog
-One has to be someone new or recently new to your blog and live in another part of the world -You must link back to whoever gave you the award
OK, so I am not sure if I have any followers from other parts of the world, so I don't think I can follow that rule, but I have done my best to adhere to the rest with these recipients.
My loyal followers:
Jenni at Jiggety Jigg
Mama of Romance at Sex Diaries of a Mom
Athena at Hot Child in the Suburbs
The Neurotic Mom
My new follower:
DJane from Blogging Momma
So I am off to "virtually" spend my winnings on all the things I have fantasized about buying. I will try not to go too overboard, but goodness knows my imagination can carry me away!
Now if that isn't a ruined photo opp, I don't know what is! What a BUMMER! (pun obviously intended). I found this over at Wannasmile.com where I always find a laugh!
I hope my sick sense of humor gave you a giggle today and have a great weekend! I would also like to send my thoughts and prayers out to all our friends down south that are in the midst of Hurricane Ike. Please STAY SAFE friends!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Hey there folks. Petra is letting us guest blog for her while she’s off eating Bubble & Squeak with her friend. Don’t worry she’ll be back writing witty posts with a British accent before you can say Bob’s your uncle.
Stacy: Elle and I both have 10 year olds that are going through the “Growth and Development” classes at school. My son Taylor came home with a book chock full of helpful information. He was told to bring it home and go over it with his parents. Of course, I sent him to John because that was one class I never took. I was in the kitchen while they were in the living room. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. The conversation went something like this
Taylor: What’s a pee-nice?
John: You know, your pee pee.
Taylor: What are breests?
Stacy from the kitchen: Breasts!
John pointing to his chest: These, they’re man breasts. Girls have bigger ones like your mom.
Taylor: What’s the prostate?
John: Give me the book.
John ended up saying, “Give me the book,” a bunch more times. I just thought it was funny since he has all these things and he needed a book to tell him what they were.
The next day the class was about girls and their changing bodies. When he got home I asked him if he had any questions. He had a deer in the headlights look and just said no. Kinda freaked him out a little bit.
Elle: I chose not to let Sissy go to “The Change” class. Sissy is a big worrier and is quite a ways from needing this information. When she brought the form home for me to sign, she asked me what it was about. I told her it was about grown-up stuff that she doesn’t need to know about yet. She shrugged her shoulders and said “Oh, okay,” and skipped off to play with her Polly Pockets. Next year will be soon enough to learn this stuff. If she was playing with Bratz dolls then she could teach the class. Those Bratz dolls are skanky.
Elle: My kids haven’t been too curious about this subject. Once when J-Man was 4 he asked me where babies come from. I told him that they grow in their Mommy’s tummy. He was silent for a few moments and then said “That’s just weird.” He’s never asked anything like that again. Guess that was a little too much information.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
My lovely friend Jennifer from Happily-Ever-After-Land has agreed to guest post for me today, so everyone enjoy her and play nice while I go gaze at the sharks and penguins at the Aquarium, OK? Now what did I say? You're going to play nice, right? Good. Now that we have that settled, with no further ado, heeeeeeeere's Jennifer!
The Wise (*Young*) Mommy has deserted you to go gallivanting around with some Brit. In the interim, she has left you in the care of ME, The Not-So-Wise (*A Little Less Young*) Mommy of Happily-Ever-After-Land, to entertain you hooligans until she gets back (hopefully not reeking of cheap martinis, but let’s not hold our breath)!
So today I finally caved. I have had a love/hate relationship with my post-baby body ever since, well, actually, since BEFORE I was pregnant! But said relationship has certainly become more tumultuous since baby’s arrival.
First, I stayed in my maternity wear for WAY too long. Nothing makes you feel more like you’re still pregnant then a pair of those awful jeans with the stretchy waistband that give you that oh-so-attractive “poopy-butt” look.
But, lo and behold, after a couple months, I managed to fit in my (previously considered) “fat jeans.” Hallelujah!
That lasted about a second, and then a few more pounds crept back to my rear section.
By then, I was alright with purchasing a couple pairs of jeans in my new *correct* size. No worries, I thought, I’ll be back to my old weight in no time!
After about a year (I am nothing if not stubborn) of trying to squeeze my poor body into all my old Junior’s Section clothes, I faced up to reality and finally bought some clothes that fit.
And yes, that included the dreaded “Mom Jeans.”
However, there was one item that I held out on. The very last article of clothing that contained my self-esteem…..that contained the hope I still clung to of a lighter version of myself…..that contained my ass.
That’s right ladies (and probably one dude out there, Hi Honey!), I’ve bought New Underwear.
And that underwear is ONE SIZE LARGER.
Yes, I know, take a moment to feel my defeat.
Oddly enough, I’m OK with this newest purchase. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. Everything else is a size larger (or two, but I’m not admitting to it!). And I had become irritated with the Triple Bump Lump.
What’s that, Petra-Devotees? You were not aware of the Triple Bump Lump? Well, then, let me educate you!
According to the Official Dictionary of Happily-Ever-After-Land, the Triple Bump Lump is when the elastic of one’s underwear digs into the fatty areas of one’s hips and thighs, so as to create a lump at the upper thigh (where bottom elastic of underwear is stretched to its limit), a bump where the hip is trying desperately to free itself from said bondage (aka: underwear), and a second lump at the hip bone (where top elastic of underwear is holding on for dear life - in some circles, known as a “muffin top”).
This is not to be confused with the Quadruple Lump Bumps, which is when the cups of one’s bra dig into each breast, so as to create a “quadra-boob” look. Not a problem for me, but one that my sister is intimately aware of.
My Triple Bump Lump was grossly out of control. Somewhere, Victoria Secret was in a corner crying for me, and asking God, “WHY?”
But, alas, no more! The latest trip to Target saw a purchase of some brand new undies, one size UP, thank you very much.
Mind you, they were very cheap undergarments, and the old ones are still resting comfortably in my dresser drawer. A girl can’t lose ALL hope that those 20 pounds will melt themselves away!
Now, now, dry your tears. Our beloved Petra will be returning shortly, and you won’t have to be subjected to underwear humor or made-up dictionary entries anymore! Of course, she’ll probably be speaking drunken British by then, so who knows if any of us will be able to understand her!
Fasttrack Fundraising has various different fundraising programs to choose from. Just to name a few, there are merchant discount cards, food and snacks (lollipops, popcorn, beef jerky) and brochures such as gourmet cookie dough (yum, my favorite!) and scented candles. We all know we can use some extra goodies for gifts, and this way, you are also giving the gift of funding for your school! Not only do they sponsor fundraisers involving selling stuff, but they also have some other really cool options, such as silent auctions and credit card applications (when people apply for a certain credit card, your fundraiser gets $15!). Some of these I had never heard of before but they are innovative, fun and an interesting new way to raise money.
So whether you are looking to raise money for your school, church or organization, check out FasttrackFundraising.com. There you can get started on your fundraiser, as well as find tips and articles that might help with your new venture. Best of all, they offer FREE SHIPPING on all orders.
Go ahead--make some money!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Here are the Top 10 Mommy Phrases that I always hated that I now say on a regular basis:
10. Quick like a bunny! (I think I say this EVERY DAY and I always think I sound silly saying it, but I can't help myself. It is like I have Tourette's or something.)
9. This place is a pigstye! (What better way to describe the room when it looks like a tornado hit it? There isn't one.)
8. Don't test me! (This is a nice way of saying "if you say one more word, I am going to go ape-shit on your ass kid!)
7. Watch your mouth! (When the occasional curse word or rude statement sneaks out, this is perfect, because it is better than saying "stop repeating the words I say.")
6. What did I just say? (Cause usually I can't really remember, but I know it was something related to the misdeed he or she has just committed.)
5. You better think about what you did! (This gets you out of having to have the "lecture" about what they just did.)
4. You're on thin ice mister! (A.k.a. I'm about to lose it, so you better shape up!)
3. Sit down and shut up! (no, just kidding, but sometimes don't you want to say this?)
2. I brought you into this world and I can take you out! (this one is my favorite, and the first time I said this to my stepson (whom I did not actually bring into this world, but he didn't catch on to that little fact), he looked at me with wide eyes and said "YOU CAN?"
and finally, the "mother" of all Mommy Phrases:
1. Because I said so!!!! (It just works--IN EVERY SITUATION!)
What are the Mommy Phrases you say that you never thought you would? Come on, you know you have 'em--DISH!
Monday, September 8, 2008
"Spotted Dick is a steamed pudding with dried fruit, unless you're a Urologist, then Spotted Dick has a whole new meaning. "
This is not only correct, but completely hilarious! So for this reason, I am also spotlighting them as one of my two guest bloggers this week!
Also guest blogging for me will be Jennifer at Happily Ever After Land (who I am pretty sure is a better writer than I am, but she promised to "dumb it down" a bit for me and I am very appreciative!).
And on top of these wonderful additions to my blog this week, I have also received another fabulous award from Mama of Romance at Sex Diaries of a Mom! She must be drinking too much again because she gave me The Brainy Blog Award and I have always thought of myself as a few eggs short of a dozen, but she is a sexy bizzatch so I am going to let this one slide and just accept it graciously.
Here's the dish:
Mommy Brain Reports is on the lookout for some Brainy Sites! Do you know of any? Perhaps they have some really interesting ideas, super cool content, or they have some incredible posts that make you really think… Maybe they are your inspiration, or they have helped you out in your quest to be an awesome blogger yourself. Are they someone you can turn to at a moment’s notice for help or advice? Maybe they’re just someone who has encouraged you to be..well..You! In any case, you have to know someone who you would deem a Brainy Blogger! You should let them know how you feel!!! THANK THEM FOR BEING BRAINY!
1. Think of at least 5 bloggers that you believe to be “Brainy Bloggers”
2. Post it on your blog for all to see! Let them know you’ve awarded them by email, twitter, etc or via a comment on their blog!
3. Share some linky love and link back to both the person who awarded you and back to http://www.mommybrainreports.com/
4. Come back to the Brainy Blog Headquarters to sign our Mr. Linky and then pass it on!
5. Grab the code from HQ - use it in your post, and/or add it to your sidebar! Don’t forget to link up the person who nominated you for the Brainy Blogger Award!
OK, since I am short on time this week, I am going to be a rebel and break the rules by not passing this one along, but I promise I will do it next week!
I also got the Kick Ass Blogger award again from Kelly at The Neurotic Mom (yeah, she's neurotic like me, it's awesome!)
Again, I will pass this one along next week after the craziness has died down!
So thank you everyone--my guest bloggers of the week and my award givers--you all rock!
About what, you may ask? Very good question (I knew I kept you guys around for some reason!) Well, the title is actually one of my favorite British phrases that I learned from my very, very good "mate" who is flying over the pond to see me this week from--you guessed it--England! EEK! I am so excited! We had some very fun (and wild!) times in college and she hasn't ventured over to the states to see me since my wedding FOUR years ago, so this is a pretty big deal. She arrives on Tuesday, which means that (sniffle) I will be fairly MIA this week in the blogosphere while we are out gallivanting, wreaking havoc and causing chaos and mayhem all over the state of Massachusetts. Some of our big, wild 'n crazy adventures include the aquarium (woo-hoo!), the mall (don't get too excited now!) and maybe even the movies! (OK, life has changed a bit since college; I have two kids, give me a break!)
Now, don't cry because you are going to miss me so much, I promise I will return to my daily obsessive commenting, entrecard dropping and posting as soon as she leaves. However, I do have a few posts tucked up my sleeve (next to the snotty kleenex--I promise I will wipe them off being posting) so you guys will have something to read in my absence. I am also interested in knowing if anyone would like to guest post for me, so if you are interested (and are not a significantly better writer than I am--Lord knows I don't want you upstaging me, LOL), give me a shout and we'll discuss. I can only pay in virtual hugs and kisses (XOXO), but I promise I am a very good kisser, so it would all be worth it.
So send me an e-mail or leave me a comment proclaiming your undying love and devotion for me and how you would love to write wonderful, glowing things about me while I am gone, and I will consider you as a guest poster (just kidding, you can write what you want, but you must love me in order to be considered).
And for everyone else, enjoy your week and I will be thinking of you while I am eating bangers and mash and spotted dick with my super groovy British bird.
(The first person to know what "spotted dick" is will receive a prize!)
Sunday, September 7, 2008
My mother makes THE BEST cakes in the world and was THE BEST mommy in the world, so this award is truly special. I am supposed to pass it along, so here goes:
I am passing this award along to Jennifer at Happily Ever After Land because I really relate to her and her writing and I think she is just beautiful, like a rose!
A big THANK YOU to my lovely mom--I LOVE YOU!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
I found this at OurHappyHappenings.com and it really spoke volumes of truth in my opinion.
Everyone enjoy your weekend!
Well, since I am gearing up to have another baby, I figure I need to start researching some ways to find affordable maternity clothes because God KNOWS--they ain't cheap! I spent so much money on my first pregnancy and everything ended up shrinking or getting all stretched out-grrr. Unfortunately, I am not even the same size as any of my friends so I can't swap and switch with them. So it was pretty cool when I got this offer to check out a new web site called La Bump (cute title, isn't it?). They are a classified web site for maternity clothes, baby stuff and baby clothes (and even kid's clothes) that is similar to Craigslist, but it is all for mommies! You can post cute and trendy stuff that you are looking to get rid of and also search for things that you need. You can buy stuff, or even TRADE, which I think is awesome too, because one person's outdated shrunken maternity blouse is another woman's fashion find. It's a win/win situation! And the coolest part of it, in my opinion, is that it was started by three sisters (also moms) who saw a need and filled it--bringing awesome gently used stuff to the masses of mommies who need it!
I love the idea of this site and will definitely be trolling for deals, because I am addicted to buying used stuff for discounted prices. And it is helping the environment by recycling stuff (cause we don't need anything else in the landfills, thank you very much!), which I am trying to do one small step at a time. If you want to check it out and find some cool stuff for you and your kiddos, the web site is www.labump.com.
Happy shopping (or trading)!
So one of my favorite Mommy Bloggers whom I look up to with respect and utter admiration because her posts are so wonderfully written, thoughtful, poignant, and FUNNY has given little ole ME an award! I can't believe it! And it is a really cool award because it is a sister award!
Rachel over at Following in My Shoes bestowed upon me this pretty little note and I am so flattered! Since my real little sister is 16 and thinks I am pretty lame, this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! And it came upon the heels of my daughter calling me a crackhead so this eases the pain of that incident as well.
So in the grand tradition of blog awards, I am going to pass along the love. The person I am passing this along to is my friend (in real life!) Mel from The Mommydoodles Blog because she is the one that introduced me to blogging, told me how to do it, held my hand through the process and even designed my blog! I am forever grateful and indebted to her, so she gets this blog love as a thank you!
So thanks Rachel and Mel for making the blogosphere a better place!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I just went to innocently remove my daughter from her booster seat and she looked at me and said (OK, wait for it, this is a dramatic pause for effect):
Yes, I am serious.
Now, this could be another word that is just sounding like crackhead, but I swear to Oprah Winfrey that it sounded clear as a bell like my daughter was callin' me out like a gangsta' ho. Of course, the look of shock and dismay on my face tickled her pink and she proceeded to shout it over and over again--
"Crackhead, crackhead, CRACKHEAD!!! Mommy is a CRACKHEAD!"
I was speechless. I honestly, really did not have a CLUE what to say (and this does not happen often, ask my husband). So I said, "Honey, that is NOT a nice word. Please don't call Mommy that." And you know what she said?
I give up.
If you have a baby or know someone about to have one or that has recently had one, you are going to want to check our Personalized-Baby-Shoes.com! They have an entire line of personalized gifts for baby that are only made of safe, non-toxic materials. Best of all, any of them can be personalized with a name and date that makes for a thoughtful gift with a personal touch.
Baby booties, teddy bears, bowls, and puzzles are just a few of the customized baby gifts they have to offer. There is also a really nice area of the site that has information for new parents on their baby's first months and parenting tips and advice. You can also sign up for their newsletter to be kept informed on the latest personalized new baby gifts. As a young mother myself, I know I am always looking for interesting gifts to give to my friends with new babies, so this site is perfect!
Go check out Personalized-Baby-Shoes.com today and browse their adorable personalized baby gifts for someone special!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
And I have been pondering something...how much do you think I would have to exercise in order to be able to eat anything I wanted and still lose weight? I know you've all wondered. So many times I have heard those skinny bitches, I mean atheletic moms, say that they eat whatever they want because they run seventeen kazillion miles a day or attend hot sauna yoga-lates five times a week. If they can do it, so can I right?
It's just a thought. And it's not like I want to eat 3,000 calories a day and be a skinny bitch. You know, a carton of Ben and Jerry's here and there and some Oreos or chocolate chip cookies on a daily basis would work for me. Oh yeah, and don't forget the one or two glasses of red wine at night. I want to be able to indulge myself in the foods that I love (MMM..pasta, bread, FRENCH FRIES!) without wanting to kill myself after ingesting them. Is that so much to ask? How much of my day would I be willing to sacrifice to working out in order to have this ability? I'm not sure, but I am willing to look into it.
Changing gears. I just realized that most of my posts have to do with weight loss and self-image. I suppose this says a lot about me, eh? (That was my Canadian accent for my friends up north. I like to mix it up and make everyone feel at home.) I hope that my obsession with these issues isn't boring to my audience, but they always say "write what you know," so I guess that's what I know. I hope I don't have to change the blog's name to The Wise (Fat) Mommy or The Wise (Neurotic and Obsessed) Mommy. But the day will come when I am no longer young, so the name will have to be changed eventually. I am hoping at that point I will still be smokin' hot and will have reached all my weight loss goals and I can name it The Wise Cougar Mommy (makes sexy purring sound--(even though I can't even do that in real life)).
Well, I have digressed. The point of the post is that my 2-year-old is now a fitness junkie in training and I'm pretty pumped. I will look at this as mother/daughter bonding, not that I am passing on my neurotic obsessions to the next generation. That will make me feel better about it, I think. God forbid I send my baby to therapy where she tells her therapist that her mother forced her to tone and sculpt at such a young age that she can't even look at a barbell without needing a Xanax.
*Sigh. Keeping your kids out of therapy is tough man!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
2. I forgot what it was like to have complete silence in the house in the middle of the afternoon--and I like it.
3. My daughter misses her brother when he is at school and is probably going to ask me "Where's Big Boy?" at least 10 times a day from now until next summer.
4. There is even MORE paperwork to fill out in second grade, and I now know our health insurance policy number by heart.
5. Tired, cranky kids are VERY clingy after the first day of school (and I have the stretched out tee-shirt to prove it).
6. Baking brownies is the perfect end to the first day of school (but not when you are trying to lose weight--DOH!)
Monday, September 1, 2008
I was fairly comfortable in the decision that I most likely would not have any more children. (OK mom, stop hyperventilating, I am NOT pregnant). But after the discussion that my husband and I had this afternoon, I'm not so sure. I've been so tremendously wrapped up in raising my daughter, my first blood, my baby girl--that I felt like I would never be ready to even think about another child in my life. Plus, I have a boy and a girl, they get along great and I didn't think I wanted to bring another little alien into the mix to possibly screw up the nice little life we have. However, today something shifted. My stepson voiced his opinion (again) about his need for a little brother, what with all the little girls running around in his life. And the thousandth person in the last few months told me that it was "time for another one," before the age difference spanning between my daughter and the next got too large. The difference today was that instead of rolling my eyes and coming back with a funny quip about how hell would freeze over first, I tilted my head, pursed my lips and marveled at the lack of sarcasm ready to roll off my tongue. My mind even flitted to an image of me with a bulging belly, hands running over the little swelling of a life inside it. I don't know what changed. When I went to bed last night, I didn't want a baby. But today, somehow, I think I do.
So I asked my husband.
"Do you want to have another baby now?"
That was it. "Not really." Hmm. That didn't leave me with all that much closure on the topic so I probed a little further.
"Well, do you think you might want to consider it soon? Or do you still think you might not want another one?"
This got me a roll of the eyes (which I was expecting). Because men think that it's always "the wrong time" to have talks like this. Really, they just don't want to talk at all. And you better believe that if women could get pregnant from blow jobs I would have gotten a resounding "Yessiree!"
"I don't know. Let's move into the house and then we can think about it. We were unprepared last time and I want to be prepared this time. Let's make sure we're ready."
Wow, that sounded really mature and responsible, didn't it? Yeah, but there is one thing that men just don't seem to understand. It is this: when that clock starts ticking again, there is NO controlling it with maturity, level headed-ness and responsibility. When we want a baby, we want it NOW.
I frowned. Not the answer I wanted. Of course I wanted him to say, "Yeah, let's ditch the little jelly bracelet you have to stick up your vagina every month, have sex like bunnies and wait for the blessed event to happen!" But, the little angel voice in my head (that I tend to ignore most of the time) said "He's right. Now's not the time."
Poo. Double poo. I was already designing the nursery for my little baby boy. I had already envisioned my husband finishing the basement in the new house so that my stepson could have a room down there to make room for the nursery upstairs. (Just so you know, I would NOT go with something lame like ducks, I was thinking skull and crossbones...what do you think?) I mean, I have already had the name picked out since I was about 12 years old, so that should be considered being "prepared," shouldn't it? Nursery--check. Name--check. How much more prepared could you be?
Alright, alright, he has a point. We have a lot on our plates right now. I would have to re-route my thought process to get the visions of dancing skulls and crossbones out my head and realize that we needed to get some other things kosher before we skidded down that road again. So I thought to myself, "Self--there's something else you need to get done before you can have a baby anyway." And you know what that is?
LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT FROM THE LAST ONE!
So now I have a goal. Now I have a little carrot dangling from a stick to help motivate me to get my fat ass moving and lose these extra ugly pounds of adipose that I feel smothering me. Maybe with this little extra motivation, I will actually stop shoving the food in my mouth and make the time to exercise. Believe me, I do NOT want another 30 pounds of fat hugging the 30 pounds that are already rudely clinging to me, unwanted and despised. Plus, with the extra weight, I would put myself in further peril with the threat of gestational diabetes during my next pregnancy. Aha--now there is greater meaning, there is true NEED, and if I ignore this, I and my unborn son will be the ones that suffer.
Little Barney is counting on me.
(and no, that is not really the name I have chosen...stay tuned to find out!)