Friday, January 30, 2009

Tooting My Own Horn, an Announcement and an Award


I have lost five pounds-YAY! However, I feel like I have lost more because I have been circuit training and have really firmed and toned a lot. I have a new diet secret that I am not going to unveil until I know for sure that it is actually contributing to my weight loss. And because it's really weird. But stay tuned, because I may just let you in on it. If you are good little readers...and leave me lots of comments and sentiments of adoration.

Next, I would like to announce that I will be doing another See Kai Run giveaway for their new spring line! Yee-ha! It was a big hit last time so I contacted the lovely Julie over at their marketing department, who told me I could go on with my bad self and do another one. She is awesome and gets the "Cool Booty" award. So now I have to pick out a pair for my daughter to review and I will let you all know what she thinks of them and give you the opportunity to win some for your own munchkin. Keep your eye out for the official announcement, coming soon.

And finally, I got a really cool award from the even cooler and obviously misguided Moonspun over at Moonspun Spins, because this is what the award means:

This award shows the values that every blogger shows in his or her effort to transmit cultural, literal, ethical and personal values every day.

I am not exactly sure that I transmit all that much cultural, ethical or personal values through this blog in all my discussions of dildos, boobs and girl crushes, but I will humbly accept this award anyway, because # 1. Who turns down an award? and #2. Moonspun is awesome so anything from her is cool in my book.

Oh yeah, and it's pretty.The rules:

1) Accept the award and post it on your blog along with the name of the person who gave you the award.

2) Pass it on to (15) bloggers that you know who deserve it.

Since I have two children and three jobs, I am only passing this to five. I hope you forgive me.

1. Carolyn from Carolyn...Online

2. Kaui from How to Party With an Infant

3. Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox

4. Ed from FitDad

5. Matt from DC Urban Dad

These bloggers, in my opinion, share a lot of cultural, ethical and/or personal values with their blog, so I think it is only fitting to make sure they receive this award. They all are also uber-cool and have tons to offer the bloggging world, so check them out. They also all happen to be hot. That is just a coincidence.

Everybody have an awesome weekend!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Since a Post About Taxes Would Be Really Boring...

I am going to delight you all with my most recent (and most entertaining/disturbing/totally whacked) Google keyword searches that bring entertaining/disturbing/totally whacked people to my blog.

Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by foul language, sex talk or dildo images, # 1. You are not a regular reader of my blog, and # 2. You probably don't want to read this post. Just a warning. Go read Perez Hilton or something.

Hold on to your hats people.

Children not showering - my problem seems to be keeping my kid out of the shower with me, so I really can't relate to this person, although I do feel bad for them and their most likely stinky household.

Crushes on older women-mother - I like this one. Mostly because it makes me think that someone MAY have a crush on me again someday. Even us mommies need an ego boost now and then.

Breast pierced milked bitch - WTF? I don't even know what this means. Really. Huh?

Blogspot suck fuck big ass - Um, yeah, sometimes I get frustrated with blogger too, but really. Is it that bad?

Definitely going crazy - This person definitely found the right blog.

Do bananas help you have sex? - I'm not completely sure, but I think this person is doing it wrong...

Free beautiful young transvestites - sounds like a pretty good deal for the transvestite lovers out there.

Fatty mommy - this person also found the right blog.

Moms blogs boobs sex - oh Google, you know me so well...

I'm hurting over Edward - all I have to say to this one is, GET A LIFE. HE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. (Damn, now I am going to lose, like, half my readers, huh?)

Nice boobs on young mommies - sounds good to me. If you are reading this, can you tell me where you actually found them?

Crucifix dildos - I am proud to say they found what they were looking for on this one. Or I am totally ashamed. Can't really decide.

Olderly perverts - hahahahahahahahahahahaha. This is funny on so many levels. I don't even know where to start.

Video littlest dildo - um, yeah, why?

Dildos for mom - now THIS is someone really thinking when it comes time for Mother's Day...I hope my kids are this thoughtful when they get older.

and finally, my favorite:

Young mommy ass movies - cause you can never get enough young mommy ass, in my opinion.

So thanks to all you perverts and freaks that searched for perverted and freakish things and found what you were looking for.

I am either going to be famous someday, or I am going to hell. Or both. Either way, thanks for your support :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: She's Really Gonna Hate Me for This One...

We seem to have found a use for the pull-ups that we no longer need.
They make quite a fetching hat, it seems.
(Man, that almost rhymed. And I thought
I couldn't write poetry...)

Happy Wordless Wednesday!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs Numero 7

I would like to start by apologize for my tardiness in having this edition of He Blogs, She Blogs ready for you guys. This terrible virus took up residence in my poor little body, in which I can't breathe out of any of the orifices normally set aside for breathing, the phlegm in my lungs feels like it is the consistency of play dough, thus very difficult to cough up, and my head has felt like someone was squeezing it with their ginormous banana hands, making opening my eyes a project in itself. So yeah, basically, I have been miserable. But, my husband pulled through for me on this one (might have had something to do with him knowing that I was going to blog about it and wanting to put on a good show, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it is just because he loves me so much) and took care of the kids, did some cleaning and waited on me hand and foot. Now I owe him one. DAMN. But it was worth it to be able to lay on the couch and chill without a toddler pulling my eyelids open.

Today we will be discussing questions posed by Michelle from Michelle's Blog, Natasha from Exile on Mom Street, Jen from Happily-Ever-After-Land, and Keely from the Un-Mom. As you know, the name of the game is He Blogs, She Blogs, and Jim from IPR will be discussing the same issues, but from the male point of view over on his blog. Let's see how our answers measure up this week, shall we? We shall.

Michelle wrote: Screw the legs, this is one I've wanted to know for a while... Taming the wild bush (for men and women) a nice touch or necessary maintenance?

Good question Michelle. This is a common debate in my household, because as much as I understand the reasons for keeping the "wild bush" as you put it Michelle, tamed, I also know that in the wintertime, I love to get in and get out of the shower in under 4.5 minutes and that just doesn't leave time for a whole lot of primping and pruning. I will fully admit to letting the bushes get a little overgrown and unruly on occasion, simply because of lack of time and/or motivation, and knowing that the only person that is going to gaze at that particular area will be my husband, who is obligated by the laws of marriage not to judge me. However, I do get the nudge here and there from my fantastic other half, not so subtly insinuating that the nether-regions could use a pick me up. However, in return for my lackadaisical cooter upkeep, I will go all Sinead O'Connor for him every now and then to make up for it, cause I know that's his favorite coiffure for my kitty. But let me tell you, that ITCHES LIKE A BITCH unless you shave EVERY DAMN DAY, so I am not going to completely convert to that method any time soon. Maybe someday, when I am a rich and famous writer, I will be able to afford my own personal waxer whose sole responsibility will be to keep my bikini line beautiful and bare. But for now, I do my best.

I can't wait to see how my husband comments on this it honey, if you ever want to see my cooter again.

Natasha wrote: "Fixing" a problem vs. listening to some venting. Discuss!

It is inevitable. Almost every man I have ever known has complained about the way that women "complain" and then get upset when men offer potential solutions. But what these men just can't seem to get through their little heads is that men and women's brains work completely differently and while they will brood and sulk and ignore everyone around them until they have solved their problem, women will want to talk through it, sometimes just letting out the frustration that has built up so that we can clear our heads and figure it out. MEN: YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR US. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not think that means that men and women can never communicate effectively, because I think my husband and I have come to a nice little compromise since having this epiphany about our differences. He will listen to me vent without offering his pearls of wisdom, unless I ask for it, and I will give him his space when he is upset and wait for him to come to me when he is ready to talk about it. Does this work all the time? Hells no. We still get frustrated with each other sometimes, but we never let it get too big that we can't talk through it and since we understand that we view these things differently, we try not to get too peeved with the other one for simply acting like the male/female they are. Unfortunately, there are some things about our sexes that we just can't change. But we can try like hell to deal with it without it resulting in divorce and/or maiming or killing someone.

Jen wrote: GravatarSo I was tasked with picking up a bottle of liquor at the store for a white elephant gift at hubby's work party. I stood in that aisle for at least a half hour trying to decide what to actually get for the gift. This one seemed too cheap. I didn't think people would like that one. The whole time I'm cursing my husband because I know perfectly well that he had the capability to just swagger (yes, he swaggers) up this aisle, PICK a stupid bottle, and leave and have the whole thing accomplished in five minutes.
In fact, that's exactly what he did because, as it turns out, what I got didn't fit into the decorative bottle holder thingy that I had the forethought to purchase. So HE had to go back and pick something because I was running late!
I'm sure there's a topic in there somewhere. It's your job to find it. You don't expect me to do ALL your work for you, do you?!??

Wow. I am not really sure where the question is in this one, but I think that you are alluding to the fact that men seem to have the ability to make split second decisions while us women tend to labor over and over-think even the smallest things in fear that we might make the wrong decision, insult someone or do the wrong thing. Is that close? I sure hope so, cause otherwise I have no freaking idea what you are talking about.

Yes, I have noticed that there are plenty of times when I want to spend copious amounts of time mulling something over, analyzing it, picking it apart, until I have come to a logical conclusion, when my husband will just decide and go with it. Or he tells me I am over-thinking it and "it is what it is." I HATE that expression. Of course it is what it is, otherwise, it would be SOMETHING ELSE. Just because it is one way doesn't mean that I can't try my damnedest to change it or make it BETTER, right? I guess I just don't want to settle for less...or I am a neurotic, crazy person who has to analyze everything to death. I think that makes a lot more sense. But I don't think anyone ever died or made an enormously bad decision from giving it TOO MUCH thought. So there.

And lastly, we have Keely, who wrote: Sleep, and why men apparently need more of it.

I am with you on this one, Keely. It doesn't matter how early my husband goes to bed, he still can't get up in the morning, and he would sleep all morning if I let him. But I don't think this is a matter of men needing more sleep, per se, because in my case I could sleep all the time too if I was allowed. I think the issue here is that men are more capable of ignoring the children screaming and jumping on them and can lay in bed after 9 a.m. NOT thinking of all the things that need to be done or feeling guilty for sleeping in, and are therefore, able to sleep more than us. Plus, there is some genetic programming in children that makes them immediately wake up Mommy when they need something, yet tiptoe around when Daddy is sleeping.

Or maybe they need more sleep to offset the hours of scratching their balls and masturbating/thinking of sex that takes so much out of them. Cause certainly, if I spent that much time touching myself and fantasizing about humongous ta-tas, I would be exhausted too. Just a thought.

OK, now that you have gotten your fill on my curvacious, womanly, boob-alicious point of view, head over to Jim's and read his manly, penis-driven, grunting perspective and try not to think how much more insightful (and hotter) I am. Or, if you have already been there, then leave me a comment so I don't feel unloved and I will show you my boobs. Nah, just kidding, just wanted to see if you were paying attention ;)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Choking on My Phlegm: A Whiny Rant About the Injustice of Motherhood

I woke up this morning (at approximately 2:10 a.m. by my husband groping me, but that's another story) with that heavy, rattly feeling in my chest and a tickle in my throat that made tears well up in my eyes. I still had sex with my husband, cause I am an awesome wife like that, but then quickly realized after the randy act that I was coming down with something.


Doesn't the universe realize that moms just do NOT have the time to get sick? That the rollercoaster that is our life does not slow down nor come to a complete stop EVER, not even when we are hacking up a lung and having fever dreams right out of Trainspotting?

The alarm went off at 7 a.m., just like it always does, but my head inexplicably felt like it weighed 50 pounds (as opposed to the typical 30 that it usually feels like at 7 a.m. on a weekday). I dreaded climbing out of the safe, warm haven of my sheets and blankets and the memory foam mattress topper that hugs me and makes me feel like I am sleeping in my very own cocoon. I sniffed and realized that the oxygen did not travel through my nostrils like it should and I groaned. I was definitely getting sick. How I longed for the days when I could roll over, pick up the phone, call in sick and go back to sleep for the rest of the morning. But there is no calling in sick for motherhood, a real flaw in the job description if you ask me. When a dad is sick, the mom gets up quietly and closes the door to the bedroom, shushing the children so that Daddy can get some rest because he is not feeling well. When a mom is sick, it's just another day.

So I get up. I throw my greasy, unwashed hair into a ponytail and attempt to wipe the sleep from my eyes. I blow about 2 pounds of snot from my nose and splash cold water on my hot, flushed face. And it's on with the lunch-making, breakfast preparing, bed changing (from the 2-year-old who wet the bed the night before), and the coffee brewing. The fighting with the 8-year-old to brush his teeth is that much more wearing on the old patience, and the 2-year-old's indecision on what to eat for breakfast is exhausting and makes the head pound harder in the ears.

But nobody notices. Nope, nobody asks "Mom, are you feeling OK?" "Do you need to sit down?" "Can I get you anything?"

No, nobody notices at all. It is just another day.

Which means I guess I have done my job well.

I think it is time for a raise.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: My Funny Spawn

Well, technically one of them isn't my biological spawn but I like to think he gets his stellar sense of humor from me :)

Bear with me folks, I am having some brutal writer's block and need some inspiration to hit me soon or you might be subjected to pictures of my children every day from now until spring.

I am open to suggestion. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Monday, January 19, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: Yes, I Have a Husband, No, it's Not Jim, and Yes, it's OK

Welcome to the sixth edition of He Blogs, She Blogs, where Jim and I take the guesswork out of the battle of the sexes (that IS what we are doing here right?) OK, well, maybe we are just making you laugh at us, with us or for us, but whatever we are doing, it seems to be a success. We have gotten a ton of suggestions on topics, but the one we are discussing today (yes, I said ONE) seems to be in such great demand that it can't wait any longer. Plus, it pertains to US--Jim and I, best friends forever. What is this burning question that was asked by Robin from Cinnamon and Honey AND Amy at Bitchin' Wives Club? The bloggy friendship question. And not just any bloggy friendship--the male/female variety. We decided this would take a whole post so we could give you guys the good old dirty lowdown on how Jim and I became BFF's and how we handle it with our respective spouses. So without further ado, here it is folks:

Robin from Cinnamon and Honey wrote: Ooooh. Loving this idea. How about friendships with the opposite sex? What is appropriate? Phone? Email? Blogging together? (Ahem... Kidding, of course) Hanging out? Drinks? Joking? Flirting? Where would you draw the line with yourself and when it's your spouse? What is crossing the line?


Amy at Bitchin' Wives Club wrote: I like Robin's idea about exploring the boundaries of friendships with the opposite sex and perhaps how that extends to the blogging world. I'm afraid my husband already suspects I'm having an affair with Braja, I'm sure he won't be happy if I start getting too involved with a guy who uses the handle "Heinous"!!! ;-)

This is one of those topics that has many gray areas. I am not exactly sure that I could break it down and tell you EXACTLY what is appropriate and what is not, but I will do my best to give my point of view without sounding like a rambling maniac.

In general, I believe that friends come in all shapes, sizes and SEXES. I have always had a lot of male friends and am one of the believers that you can be friends with someone of the opposite sex. Some don't believe that, I know, but I think the key is your mindset and knowing your boundaries. And the type of friend makes the situation different from instance to instance as well. For example, if your spouse has a lifelong friend that they have never had a relationship with that is practically like family, then I say anything goes. They get treated just like a friend of the same sex. But, the lines of communication need to stay open and the partner needs to know what's going on and when you are seeing them so there is no secrecy. On the other hand, when it comes to old high school or college friends or acquaintances (or exes), I think these friendships need to be handled a little more gently. An e-mail here and there, an occasional phone call and hanging out in groups of friends, I think, is appropriate. The rare lunch or meet-up is fine, but having drinks and/or dinner on a regular basis, not so much. Chatting it up every day and sharing every little detail about your life with them? No way. Your spouse needs to know that there are some things that are only shared between you two, and that they have no reason to be threatened by your friend with a penis (or vagina, whichever side you are on).

Now, in this day and age, blogging friends have opened up a whole new can of worms for so many of us. How do you deal with friends that your partner has never even met and most likely never spoken to? How much is too much time chatting and how much do you divulge about yourself and your relationship? I guess the best way to enlighten you on my thoughts on the matter is to tell you how Jim and I became bloggy best friends and how we make it work.

Jim and I first became acquainated by visiting and commenting on each others blogs, of course. That's always how it starts, right? Pretty soon we were regular readers of each others' blogs and would chat occasionally on Twitter as well. After getting to know each other a bit and sharing our philosophies on blogging, parenting and other such stuff, Jim invited me to help him with a blogging project he was working on. We are both writers and we share a lot of the same interests and humor, so he thought I would be a good fit for this project and could add the female perspective. Now, since the details of this project are highly confidential, I can't unveil what it is to you today, but I will only say that it will be something that has never been done and it will involve all of YOU. You're excited now, aren't you? Well, you should be.

So we began working on this project and we would IM each other here and there, shoot e-mails and tweets back and forth about ideas and daily life stuff, and keep each other entertained. We clicked, and found that we worked really well together. I told my husband that I was asked to participate in a project with this guy, Jim, and this is about the point when my husband started noticing that Jim was always the first commenter on my blog and started reading Jim's blog for himself. His reaction wasn't what I was expecting. I guess I thought he might feel jealous or threatened that I was interacting with another man on a regular basis. But instead, he said that he thought Jim was a really great writer, that he liked his blog and that he seemed like a nice guy. I told him that, yes, he was and that we got along well. But I also assured him that we were just friends, and that there was no reason to feel concerned about our friendship. So from that point on, I would chat with my husband about the project and the things Jim and I talked about, and it was no problem.

Then along came He Blogs, She Blogs (or HBSB for short.) Jim came up with the idea, I came up with the title, and there you have it--pure genius. And even though a lot of people thought we were married and our answers tended to come out similar, my husband remained totally cool with it and agreed that it was a great idea. I must say, I am pretty damn lucky to have a husband who supports everything I do on this here blog, especially because sometimes I am sure he is cringing at the things I reveal. But he wants me to be honest with my readers and not hold back on what I want to write about. For that, I love him (and give him blow jobs and shag him silly as much as possible). But I know the secret to all this, and it is contained in two little words:


I have always laid everything out there and never kept anything from my husband regarding my blogging. I have told him who I was chatting with through the day, the kind of e-mails I receive from my bloggy friends and I always run my posts by him before I post so that I know he is cool with them. I think the problems arise from blogging friendships when the spouse feels like they are being left out of some secret club, and they have no idea what happens within its closed doors. When the mind is left to wander and imagine, it can come up with some silly scenarios and paranoia sets in. I never wanted my husband to feel that way. But I also knew that I had found a good friend and colleague in Jim, and that I knew there had to be a way to make it work without sacrificing our marriage.

So when hubby comes home and is available for time with me, I try as much as possible to shut off the computer and give him my time, instead of giving it to the internet. I always tell him he has #1 veto power over anything I post. And I make sure he feels secure, loved and trusting of me and what I do online. It's the magic blogging formula.

And thank GOD I have found it. Because I wouldn't want to blog without Jim. He's the bomb.

And he always knows how to fix my computer :)

So head over to IPR if you haven't already, and see what Jim has to say. And come back next week, same time, same channel, for another installment of He Blogs, She Blogs.

Your funny bone will thank you for it.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Public Service Announcement: Girl Crushes, Not Just for Lesbians

Diane from Diane's Addled Ramblings asked me yesterday to define what a girl crush was (since I copped to having four of them), and then my always ever-so-helpful husband agreed that it needed to be clarified and FitDad and Irish Gumbo got in on it and requested that I spill the beans on who my girl crushes actually are. So since I have now been brow beaten into it, I am going to define what a girl crush is (in my opinion) and reveal some of the chicks that I dig. Dig it? Yeah, I thought so (especially if you have a penis).

OK, so the girl crush. What is it, who has them and what do you do about them? For me, a female is worthy of my crushosity (not a word, but let's go with it) when they are the following:

1. REALLY funny

2. Talented

3. Sweet

4. Cool

5. Hot (as a result of the above combination of traits)

This phenomenon called the girl crush is not exactly sexual, although usually I wouldn't throw them out of bed for eating crackers (is that the expression? If it is, it's really stupid. If it's not, then I am. Whatever, again, I am going with it). They may be the object of some fleeting fantasies, cause I must admit I love me some girlie make out sessions. But mostly, these infatuations are a combination of envy, respect and downright appreciation for their simple awesomeness. I, personally, have had relationships with women, as well as sexual encounters. But that's not what the girl crush is about. It's about really emulating another woman, and being excited just to know her. And it doesn't matter if she is traditionally beautiful, heavy, thin, with big breasts, or small. Her personality and outstanding features make her sexy. Her ability to write a hilarious or heartwarming story in a way that makes me laugh out loud or break out in goosebumps can give me butterflies in my belly. Her way of making me feel special and not alone can turn the worst day around. Or hearing her tell a story about being a mother that I can relate to on the deepest level can make me proud to be in the same club we call motherhood. I can't speak for all women, so I don't know if they all have girl crushes or not. But I know I do, and the bloggy world has been the perfect place to find some of these incredible women special enough to earn my adoration.

So here they are in no particular order, my blogger girl crushes:

1. Athena from Hot Child in the Suburbs

2. Cat from Zipbag of Bones

3. Jen from Steenky Bee

4. Kaui from How to Party With an Infant

5. Casey from Half as Good as You

Now, I know I said yesterday that I had four, but after serious consideration, I realized that there were actually five. Five women that I would love to be like, look like and make out with. It takes a very special woman to earn my attraction and there have only been a few that I have admitted to crushing on. So these women should feel very flattered, and hopefully not totally freaked out. Girl love is a beautiful thing, and I embrace it. Hopefully you do too.

So ladies, don't judge, keep your mind open and realize that it's OK to crush on your fellow females. Women are spectacular, and I for one, appreciate that to the fullest extent. It's not about the boobs.

Although boobs are awesome.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Award From My BFF

Jim from IPR, my BFF and Mr. Popularity himself (because he gets, like, an award a DAY because apparently he is just the coolest blogger to ever hit "publish") has bestowed upon me my first award in a long while. At first I was worried that I hadn't received any bling recently because I suck eggs or something equally horrible, but then I realized that it is probably because people just think I am so famous and uppity now that I have this uber popular blog that they think I won't even acknowledge a mere blogger award. Then I realized that was me living in my rich fantasy life again, and since I am neither famous nor have an "uber popular" blog, that the reason is probably just cause I suck eggs. But at least my best friend forever took pity on me and gave me this award:

This is a very fitting award for me since this blog is probably the most honest thing I have ever done, sometimes a little too honest. And embarrassing. And sometimes incriminating. But I digress...

Here are the rules attached to this award (cause, come on, you know there's no free lunch) I stole this content from Jim's site, and since he hasn't copyrighted anything, there's nothing he can do about it. Plus he knows I would give him major shit if he ever did anything about it anyway:

When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she is real. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Show the 7 victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Weblog.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!

So here's 10 honest things about myself (I didn't steal this from Jim, mostly because I am not a 40-year-old former gamer and cat burglar. But also because this is all about being HONEST right? See, I was paying attention...):

1. I clogged the toilet this morning.

2. My 2-year-old daughter was actually the one that finally unclogged it.

3. I am extremely insecure.

4. I have about four girl crushes at the moment.

5. I have never been to the movies by myself.

6. I felt like I always had to be in a relationship in college, and avoided being single like the plague.

7. I gained 50 pounds while pregnant with my daughter.

8. When I was little I used to tell people I wanted to be a lawyer and an archaeologist.

9. I once ran around the high school track at night without a shirt on to impress some boys in middle school. Definitely a low point in my life. I mean, I was wearing a sports bra and it was dark so they couldn't actually see anything, but still. What a slut.

10. I used to smoke cigarrettes in the parking lot of the high school with my boyfriend my junior year, and that is STILL probably the most badass thing I have ever done. Yes, sad, but true. I am really not a badass, as much as I like to think I am in my fantasy life.

So that's it. There are my 10 honest things. The next part says that I have to pass this award along to seven other bloggers, so here are the lucky winners:

1. Cat at Zipbag of Bones (one of my current girl crushes)

2. Deb at I Need a Martini Mom

3. Jen at Happily-Ever-After-Land

4. Rachel at Following in My Shoes

5. Ron at Clark Kent's Lunchbox

6. Captain Dumbass at Us and Them

7. Matt at DC Urban Dad

Sorry if any of you guys have already gotten this award. And feel free to do whatever you would like with it, such as take it and run, put it in your sidebar, print it out and frame it for your wall, or nothing at all. I will not be offended whatever you decide, just know that I dig you enough to take the time to give it to you.

Thanks again Jim for my pity award! (That's what best friends are for, right?)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Dear (Not So) Baby Girl

How did you go from this?

To this...

So darn fast...?


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

No More Poop Under My Fingernails. And How is This Sad?

It is sad because the reason I won't get poop on my fingernails anymore (or at least as often, cause you never know what could happen, especially when you're out of toilet paper. Don't judge me) is that my little baby, the larger, more talkative version of the tiny peanut that grew in my belly a mere three years ago, is now potty trained. I think. I mean, again, life is unpredictable, and the only thing more unpredictable than life is toddlers, so things could change, but I am pretty sure that she is going to be consistently evacuating like a big girl on the family throne from now on.

My heart hurts a little bit thinking that this is one of many steps that discontinue my daughter's need of my services, and I almost can't breathe when I think that next it might be that she won't need me to dress her or read her bedtime stories or give her bubble baths with mountains of foam and plastic tubby toys. The day is not so far away that she is going to take her cute little underwear butt to school and share the day with some other woman (or man) who will take over my position of head teacher. She may even think this teacher is pretty with her long, blonde hair and pretty blue eyes and think how much smarter she is than her dear old mom. She will make friends that, all of a sudden, are so much more worthy of her time and understand her deepest, darkest fears and emotions more than I ever could, and she will fall asleep at night anxious for the next day so she can return to her friends and the sanctuary of learning at school.

I fold her miniscule underwear which looks like it should be on a baby doll and finger the scalloped edges with my shaking fingers, imagining that in a few short years, I may not be able to tell the difference between her underwear and mine, and that she may rifle through my drawers frantically looking for a clean blue shirt for Spirit Day at school. Then there is the day she realizes that the rosebuds gracing her chest are blooming into roses and she needs more womanly structures in her underwear drawer that will support her into womanhood. No more will she race to the potty to avoid an accident, but she will yell to me as she slams the door, "Mom, leave me alone, I need some privacy!" until she one day finds something strange on her underpants and needs me momentarily to transition her from girlhood to a potential mother. But that won't last. Just like her needing me now to help her pull her pants up and down and wipe her tiny bum won't last mere moments longer.

No more diapers. No more baby powder. No more bum rash. And then no more stepstool and no more me.

Alone, in the bathroom, she is growing up. Before my eyes for now. But soon, I won't be witness to it all.

No more diaper changes. So many other changes to come. I hope I am invited to some of them.

Monday, January 12, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: 2 a.m. Ramblings

First of all, I want to apologize for this post beforehand, just in case it doesn't make as much sense as I normally do (not that I normally make much sense anyway, but there is a sort of logic to most of my madness and it can usually be deciphered, especially if you consult Jim, cause he can usually translate). It is 2 a.m. as I write this, and not being able to sleep because of a combination of sore shoulders from shoveling and a brain that won't stop writing this post in my head has made it impossible for me to sleep, so I have decided to bang out this post and see if then I can fall into dreamland (preferably involving some combination of Ryan Gosling, Cat from Zipbag of Bones and a lot of lube).

Our lucky participants this week are Natasha from Exile on Mom Street, Jen from Sprite's Keeper, Mama Trish from Pandora's Ethernet Connection, and i am feathermaye. We have in-laws, we have exes, shaving your, and a deserted island (preferably not all at the same time). So let's see how this goes and if I can make some sense out of this mess in my head so I can get on with my dreamin' Hmmmm...oh, sorry, got a little distracted there for a sec. Take two:

Natasha wrote: I also have a question, having just returned from a family-filled vacation: In-laws and the problems they always seem to do you handle them? Confront them yourself or have your spouse (who is actually related to them) handle it? Or just grin and bear it? Thanks!

I live with my in-laws (insert groan and sympathy here) while we renovate our house. We have been here for *cough* FOUR years. Yeah. That's what I said. FOUR YEARS. So I have a little, teensy weensy bit of experience with this. Luckily, my in-laws are great but after living in anyone else's home without much of your own space and two children, there is going to be some, well let's just say, "friction." I won't even go into the gripes I have here, but I will say that my motto has been grin and bear it (and bitch and moan to my husband about it every chance I get). In other words, I don't take it up with them, because we communicate totally differently and I would never want to start a fight or have them think I am disrespecting them in their home. So I try to bring my issues up with my husband and ask him to delicately bring it up to them (if it is a problem that is even worth addressing), but most of the time I just vent about it and try to forget it. It's not worth it to me to start a fight about it most of the time, and I realize they are old and set in their ways. Someday (hopefully in the near future), our house will be done and we can move out. I never had any problems with them before I moved in with them, so I hope we can pick up where we left off there. Well, after a very necessary separation period of at least a month or so...

The Spin Cycle Queen, Jen wrote: Question: You're on a deserted island. What three things would you need for survival? Man vs. woman. And......go!

1. My husband

2. A good book (for when my husband gets tired)

3. A dildo (for when my husband gets really tired ;)

I mean, come on people, what else is there to do on a deserted island?

OK, OK, I will answer this one seriously, since we are trying to get an honest look at the male/female perspective. For real this time...

1. A spear

2. A flint

3. A bucket

I am assuming there are plenty of boar and other such game on the island, and since it is an island there is no shortage of water, so I can hunt for my food, cook it over the fire and boil water to drink. That should hold me for a while, right? Hopefully I will have been practicing my spear hunting skills, cause at the moment I am a little rusty...

Mama Trish wrote: Friendships with your exes. Are they okay?

The answer to this question is: it depends. Depends on how you left things with the ex, how long ago the relationship was, and what kind of friendship we are talking about. If the ex is from a long time ago and there was no big drama, I don't think there is anything wrong with shooting an e-mail on occasion, being a friend on Facebook or hanging out amongst other friends. But let's just say, I don't think it would be appropriate for daily lunches or drinks with your ex-fiance who has never gotten over you. My husband is friends with his last girlfriend (because it's his son's mother), but it is purely for the sake of their offspring. They don't hang out unless I am there, and they usually limit their phone conversations and texts to mostly stuff about him. My husband and I have also hung out with another one of his exes on several occasions because she married his friend. But if he was all of a sudden going to dinner with her or talking on the phone with her daily, I wouldn't be too happy. So the answer stands: it depends. As long as both parties are aware of the boundaries of the friendship and they respect their partner by keeping it appropriate, I don't see the problem. Wow, that was surprisingly mature and level headed. Maybe I should do all my decision making at 2:51 in the morning.

And finally, we have i am feathermaye, who wrote: Why do women shave their legs? :)

I am pretty sure the answer to this question is that some man said it was what we were supposed to do. So now we are all brainwashed (as are all men in this country) into thinking that is what is natural and right and when we come across a hairy lady, we all wrinkle our noses and think it is gross or unclean. Which it is not. But, even I will admit, that I get grossed out when I have gone a couple of weeks without shaving my legs in the winter and will be shamed into shaving them. I did have that time in high school when I had decided I wasn't going to shave my legs anymore, but then I decided that I did want to get laid again, so I started back up. But those silky smooth shaven legs do feel nice...mmmm.

I am now going to bed. You can head over to Jim's blog (if you haven't been there already, but you better not have because you should be reading me first, but whatever) and read what he has to say on these issues.

Wow, I feel so good knowing that I am bridging the gap between the sexes and possibly saving thousands of (OK, hundreds...well, like 50 or so) relationships in the process. I can sleep soundly now knowing that I am paying back to humanity. Or something like that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Who's the Big Winner? Jim's the Big Winner!

For any of you who don't know where the title of this post is from, it was taken from one of the best movies of my high school years, Swingers. If you haven't seen it, watch it.

The purpose of this post is to announce that Jim from IPR is apparently the big winner of the Soap on a Rope trivia contest from my last post, even though I am pretty sure he should be exempt because he is my BFF, but I neglected to put the contest rules in the post, which would ban any relatives, sex slaves, internet buddies, lesbian lovers (that's you Cat), BFF's, or anyone else in any way affiliated with The Wise (Young) Mommy from participating. So you found the loophole Jim! Good for you, you sly bastard!

You're so money, and you don't even know it!

Jim wrote:

"aha! 'Old Spice' introduced 'Shower Soap with Cord' in 1953. The name was changed to 'Soap on a Rope' in 1983."

So now my good friend Jim is the proud winner of the "Willy Soap on a Rope"

A very special thank you to Kat at Three Bedroom Bungalow for finding this obviously perfect prize. I know Jim is going to love it and will get plenty of use out of it!

It's in the mail Jim. Enjoy! And thank you to the other three people who participated halfheartedly.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Shower Scene

No, this post is not about what you are thinking--you dirty people.

Yesterday my 2-year-old daughter took her very first shower--with mommy of course. Here is a list of things you would have overheard from my daughter had you been standing outside the shower stall.

"There's water in the shower!" (Thank goodness, I thought. Otherwise we were really wasting time in there.)

"Don't drop the soap Mommy!" (I am pretty sure she was just trying to be helpful, but I couldn't help but think of prison movies...)

"Your bum is wet. Your hairy bum is wet too." (I took care of that for you honey, don't worry.)

"What's that on your belly?" (I had to clarify this one, it could have been many things: stretch marks, fat or a tattoo. Turns out it was the tattoo.)

"You have a lot of tachoos!" (Yes, I do. And a lot of fat and stretch marks--thank goodness she didn't point that out as well.)

and finally, my favorite--

"Did you pee pee in the shower Mommy?" (For the record, I did not. But I can't speak for her).

*Just another edition of the Adventures of The Wise (Young) Mommy, brought to you by Soap on a Rope, helping mommies and prisoners worldwide since 1962.

**For the record, I have no idea when Soap on a Rope was invented. But anyone who actually knows will win a very special prize...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Spin on Guilt: Me, Guilty?

Jen over at Sprite's Keeper decided that we should do a post on guilt this week for the Spin Cycle. So here I sit, trying to decide what angle to use on this particular topic, because I have, as so many, had my fair share of guilt. First of all, I am a woman. In addition to being a woman, I am a mother. Add to that the fact that I am awesomely self critical and a pathological people pleaser, and you have a motherfuckingshitload of guilt in my (almost) 30 years.

Call it empathy, call it being wishy-washy, whatever, but I have always had the uncanny knack of feeling guilty about things I have done, things I haven't done but thought of doing, and for things that other people have done. The last one is completely baffling, but I tell you, there are times when someone else does something bad and I think there is somehow some way that I had some sort of influence over that person's bad decision. When I was little and my mother got angry, I always thought it was my fault and felt overwhelmingly guilty, even when I knew I didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes I get a guilty feeling like I have done something wrong and I don't know that I have and that someone is going to confront me and tell me that I did something awful to them inadvertently. Is this sick or what? Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around all day feeling indescribably guilty, but it sneaks into my day from time to time, probably more than the average person, and all my life I have found myself saying "I'm sorry" over and over again, as if those two words and my feeling falsely guilty could somehow erase the wrongdoing ailing someone. Maybe it is just that I wish that my saying sorry could wash away their woes...who knows, maybe I am just like Jesus. Now THAT would be a surprise...

So if all that regular, general, run-of-the-mill guilt isn't bad enough, I became a mother, which means that I have gained access to the Holy Grail of all guilt, the role of the "guilty mother," feeling like every time I deny my child something they want or drop them off with the baby sitter and they wail and cry for the safety of mommy's arms, that a little piece of my soul rips free and shoves itself down my throat, choking me with guilt. Yesterday I let my sick stepson wait out in the cold, freezing rain for a half hour until he finally came in to tell me the bus hadn't come and it turned out there was a two hour delay and I didn't know. I spent the day trying to block out the image of his trembling, chilled little body amidst the elements while I sat at my computer with my piping hot cup of coffee and slippers so that I didn't feel like I would suffocate from feeling like such a suck-ass mother. Last weekend my daughter threw up while staying over at my mother's house and just the thought that I wasn't with her when she most needed comfort and a mother's touch made me actually shed tears. Guilt. Motherhood. They go hand in hand. It ain't no joke. And it ain't no pleasure cruise (and I have been on a pleasure cruise and they are quite lovely, so I know).

And as much as I give my husband shit when he criticizes me for not doing the dishes or not putting his underwear in the right section of his drawer (yes, he has "sections" of his drawers, we won't get into it here but it goes up my ass sideways that I must organize his skidmarked panties), I actually feel GUILTY that I was too busy chasing a toddler, managing an 8-year-old with ADHD and attempting to work three jobs from home WITH said 2-year-old and 8-year-old fighting for my attention to get around to such other motherly duties. I feel guilty when I ask him to do anything for the kids, because in my sick little mind, I am supposed to do EVERYTHING for my children and never need any help. Is this martyrdom? Is this insanity? I really don't know, but my neurotic little psyche would probably benefit from some shock therapy, I am sure. However, I don't think my insurance covers that. But it might do wonders for my quest for more volume in my hair. Anyone have a home shock therapy set?

I also feel guilty about the following:

1. The box of tic tacs I stole in the eighth grade.

2. The guy I really hurt in college (if you are reading this, I am very, very sorry--you know who you are).

3. For not keeping in touch with more wonderful friends that I left behind without a second glance.

4. For taking so much from my parents all these years and not being able to give back to them yet (I promise, Mom and Dad, someday, I will repay you for all you have done for me).

5. For being self centered and feeling sorry for myself in the past.

6. For anything that I eat that I shouldn't.

7. For the fact that I really want to get away from my kids sometimes.

8. That I sometimes (more than I would like) feed my children unhealthy food just to get them to eat something, or because I am exhausted and spent and can't bring myself to cook healthy, nutritious food.

9. When I bitch at my husband because I am in a bad mood.

10. When I lose my patience with my children.

So guilt, Jen? Yes, I know a little bit about guilt. Right now, as I sit here, I am feeling guilty about the fact that I didn't read and comment on every blog in my reader and I am thinking about staying up just a little bit longer so I can get to those I neglected. But somewhere, deep down in my damaged little soul, a voice is telling me something that I think may be very, very important...

You can't please everybody.

Which is something that I know. But damn if I can't give it the old college try.

Tagged by DC Urban Dad - Fun Photo Meme

I was tagged for a cool meme by DC Urban Dad, so even though I did one yesterday, I am doing this one today, primarily because I really have nothing else to write about. I have been caught up in potty training my little girl (which is going awesome, day three no diapers--yee ha!) and working on my resolutions, including working out, eating right and drinking tons of water, and I have already lost three pounds and have so much energy! However, all that hasn't left me much time for stirring the creative juices and coming up with post ideas. So here are the rules for the meme:

1.go to your documents

2. go to your 6th file.

3.go to your 6th picture.

4. blog about it.

5. tag 6 friends to do the same.

So here's the picture. Some of you may remember by award winning post (insert sarcasm here) on bananas inspired by my friend Tim, but if you don't, click HERE and read it. Yeah, not my finest hour (however it did have an awesome Beaker video), but this picture was featured in that post and happens to still be on my hard drive. Guess I should get rid of it because I don't think I will ever have a use for spooning bananas ever again, but who knows? Perhaps I will be commissioned someday to write about the secret lives of bananas and this will be the perfect proof that they do, indeed, love to cuddle.

So now I have to tag six people. Here are the lucky victims:

1. Jim at Irregularly Periodic Ruminations
2. Cat at Zipbag of Bones (can't wait to see this one!)
3. Elizabeth at Parenting Pink
4. Jennifer at Happily Ever After Land
5. Vodka Mom
6. Braja

So, do it or don't do it, whatever, but it's not as time consuming as some memes so just do it. For me. Pretty please. With sugar on top. And a cherry. And sprinkles. And vodka.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Interview Meme from Jim: More About ME (Lucky You) Wait, Please Don't Go...

Well, in case you haven't learned enough about me over the past couple of weeks, I was honored and pleased to have been chosen by Jim at IPR for the Interview Meme that has been coveted and desired by so many bloggers (sorry, it was fixed, cause I am his BFF and he is obligated). He came up with some incredible questions (and very deep, I may add) and although I feel about as deep as a puddle lately, I will try to answer these questions seriously and thoughtfully, with nary a mention of dildos or boobs. (haha, yeah right. I had you going there didn't I?) Well, here goes nothing. I hope I "do you" proud Jim (not a dirty reference, by the way, go read here and check out the comments and you will understand).

1. What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done? Physically, emotionally, or whatever.

Since I am a complete wimp and almost never take any physical chances at all, I would have to say that the bravest thing I ever did was to take on an emotionally stunted single dad, his 1-year-old son and his psychotic baby momma in my senior year of college. My family at the time would have told you it was the stupidest thing I ever did (sorry honey, they didn't all love and adore you then like they do now), but thank God I did. There was just something about him, and I fell in love with his little munchkin the minute I laid eyes on him, so I knew I couldn't walk away. I gave up all my friends, my social life and my intended career (acting) to pursue a relationship of which I had no idea where it would lead. So many times I was sure it was going to end in heartbreak--a messy, disastrous mistake; and although many times it hurt and tore all of us apart, it didn't end. It thrived and grew into the best friendship I have ever had and a family to treasure.

Plus, he's really good in bed.

2. What one talent do you wish you had that you don't?

This is an easy one. I wish I was superbly athletic. I want to be one of those people who can play any sport with ease and have a generic predisposition to be in top physical condition. Although I am not completely uncoordinated and I am not a bad dancer, other than that, I have always been hopelessly mediocre at EVERY sport I have ever attempted to participate in. Even as a pilates instructor and personal trainer, I was the one that had to work twice as hard to obtain similar results as others, and never really reached the peak performance and physique that I desired. When I look at those sinewy, long, lean muscular bodies on people that barely work out but can hit a ball going 100 miles an hour and can spike a volleyball with ferocity, I want to throw up. But that's a habit I am not going to revisit, and is another post altogether...

3. We all have our reasons for blogging but what would be your ultimate goal for your blog or as a blogger?

I would have to say my ultimate goal for blogging would to become insanely famous and attain the celebrity and riches that I rightly deserve. No, really.

Nah, I don't need to be a celebrity. But I would like to be known by a small group of respected people in the writing world by writing a book or column someday. That would be cool. Honestly, I love to write, I love the interaction of writing for the web and the blogosphere and would like to be able to make money doing something I love and working the least amount of hours possible so I can spend tons of times with my kids. That's it.

4. You can trade lives with any one person for a month. Who would it be and why?

The Bloggess. Because I want to get into her sick, twisted and fascinating mind for just one day and experience what it feels like to be loved and adored by thousands on the interweb. And not give a shit.

5. There is a fire and your family is safe but you have the chance to save any one item from your home. What would it be and why?

Does a dog count as an item? Cause I would have to say my puppy face, Maggie, if so. But if she counts as a member of the family, then I would say I would grab my computer (and not for the selfish reasons you think...well, maybe a little bit), but because all my family photos are on the hard drive of my computer and there really is nothing else in this house that I care enough about to bother with. Thankfully, anything that means anything to us is in storage so all that would burn down here would be a lot of STUFF. Stuff that I can do without. A lot that I should probably get rid of NOW, fire or no fire. So I would grab my computer, save the pics of my kids and it would also be a nice little perk that I could blog about the fire in the hotel room.

6. You have the chance to go back in time and warn yourself before making a bad choice. What choice would it be and would you tell yourself?

Fuckin' Jim, has to make me really think and dig deep down into my pathetic little soul. Sigh. This is a tough question. Because there are SO many stupid things that I have done in my (sorta) short life, but I don't know how they would affect my life today so I am not sure if I would warn myself or not. What if I went back and warned myself about sleeping with some asshole in college (this is hypothetical of course because I didn't sleep with anyone until my wedding night--right, Mom?) and then instead of sleeping with him that night I went to a bar on campus and met some other guy who I thought was awesome and married him but then he turned on me and started beating me up like Jennifer Lopez in Closer and I had to go on the run and instead of today being happily married with two awesome kids and a cool blog, I was holed up in some safe house in Seattle with a vendetta and a really bad haircut? That would suck ass. So I don't think I would warn myself about anything. And, yes, I know I totally copped out of this answer and I don't care.

OK, now that I have convinced all of you just how crazy I ACTUALLY am, I will let you all go and ponder how much more well-adjusted you are than I am. You're welcome for making you feel better about yourself today. I am a giver, what can I say?

P.S. I just noticed I didn't mention dildos or boobs in that post. I am so deep.

P.P.S. I just made you say pee pee in your head.

P.P.S. Maybe I am not that deep...

Monday, January 5, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: Farts, Sex and Boobs--Oh My!

Well, Jim and I are very happy with the way He Blogs, She Blogs has taken off, and the suggestions just keep rolling in. This week, we have some hot topics to discuss, among them some of my favorite things--sex and boobs. Alas, one of my least favorite things is also on the list, and that is FARTS. But, needless to say, there is plenty to be said about all of them. This week we are fielding questions from Casey at Half as Good as You, Michele from It's a Dog's Life, Izzy at Escape from Dullsville, and Elizabeth from Parenting Pink, so let's get going!

The lovely Casey wrote: Ok, I've got one that's prolly already been asked but here goes: What's your stance on farting in the home. Is it fair game for anyone, anytime or do you guys pretend you don't do it? Petra, do you let them rip along with the boys? Jim, are you ALLOWED to let them rip? Do tell.....

As a matter of fact, Casey, you are the first one to ask this, and I am surprised because it has always been a hot button topic in our house. I would like to start by saying that I am a lady and do not do such vile things as fart, but my husband, children and dog have plenty of experience in the matter. HA! Just kidding, of course I fart, but unlike the other disgusting members of my household, I don't do any of the following:

1. Announce it beforehand to the entire room

2. Lift my leg to take full advantage of the acoustics of the room so

that it reverberates off the walls

3. Sit on someone else before doing it

4. Say "aw man, did you hear that one?" after doing it

Yes, my husband AND two children are both fans of making it known when they fart and the louder and smellier the better. I will admit that when I first started living with my husband, I was horrified at the sounds and smells that he just let rip with abandon without an iota of embarrassment. And there have been times when the odor was so foul that I gagged and practically lost my lunch. But now seven years later, there is only one time that my husband lets loose that it bothers me, and that is moments after sex. I'm sorry, but nothing kills the afterglow faster than hearing a juicy, disgusting fart echo through the room after some good lovemaking. Other than that, it doesn't even faze me anymore. I, on the other hand, fart discreetly or go into the bathroom, even though I know the whole family would get a kick out of it and probably hold up score cards. Well, maybe that is WHY I do it discreetly...sickos.

Michele said: I'll need to add Petra to my reader so I can keep up. My question: Why is it that when I am cooking (read that as real busy) the husband insists on starting a cuddle? Do all men see a woman in the kitchen and think sex?

Good question Michele. In my case, it seems like my husband often feels the need to grab, grope or molest me mostly when I am busy doing something, not just exclusively in the kitchen. And don't get me wrong, I love knowing that he finds me sexy and wants to get it on, but there are certain things that need to be done, and nobody else is going to do them, you know what I mean? I am always torn between dropping what I am doing, ripping off his clothes and going at it right then and there, and pushing him away and telling him to go take a cold shower until I am done doing what I am doing. I'd say it's about 50/50.

Izzy wrote: Just found your blog -- enjoying it so far!! :-) I think the he said / she said thing is brilliant. Here's a question for you that my hubby and I argue over allllll the time (and no, we don't have kids): say your very young son wants to try ballet. Do you say "no way, play football" or do you let him give it a shot?

The answer to this question is much different today than it was seven years ago. When I first met my husband he was practically grunting and dragging his knuckles on the ground when he walked. Macho is an understatement. He wouldn't even entertain the thought of his son doing ballet or anything less than testosterone driven. But now, seven years later, he is older and wiser and a whole lot more open-minded (thanks to me, lol) and as much as he would love our son to play sports because of the jock he is, he also realizes that he needs to do what he enjoys and what he is good at. So now, I think, although he wouldn't be thrilled, he would certainly allow our son to do ballet if he wanted to. It's amazing when these boys we married actually grow up, isn't it?

And last, but certainly not least, Elizabeth said: Hi Petra! Great post. And yes, I do have a question I'd like you and Jim to discuss. Boobs. BOOBS (just in case you needed more of an emphasis on it). I wanna know why men want them so BIG (or do they??? hmmm....). And what about FAKE boobs? Do men really like the Pamela Anderson look? Yes, I've got boobs on my brain today, so I'd love a great discussion on the whole boob thing LOL

Well, first of all, I have big boobs, so it's never really been an issue with them not being big enough. And I, for one, can appreciate a nice pair of REAL D-cups. I love boobs. But I just don't get the whole enormous, unnatural looking silicone look some of the porn stars and Playboy Bunnies have going on. To me, they just look silly, and not at all sexy (especially knowing that they aren't God given). As for my husband, he loves him some boobies, and I think for him, bigger is better (up to about a D cup). Let's face it people, men and women are just totally different. Men associate large breasts with an abundance of sexuality (and probably something else Freudian and to do with motherhood and breastfeeding, who knows?) Most men are going to love those big, crazy boobies but I think most rational ones also realize that the real thing is best (like my husband who just said he would take a real pair over a fake pair any day. And boobies of all sizes are beautiful. And that Pam Anderson is too big. But mine are perfect. Heehee, he's gonna get laid tonight.)

I hope that answered your questions folks. Head over to Jim's blog and read his manly answers to compare and contrast to my feminine (and obviously superior) answers over here. And keep those questions coming, so that we can continue to bring you He Blogs, She Blogs for the rest of eternity (or at least until we get sick of doing it).

Saturday, January 3, 2009

My 200th Post--200 Things I Love (Or Like a Lot) **UPDATED**


I just wanted to add here that this list was not given very much thought and I literally sat down and wrote whatever shit popped into my head and as many of my favorite bloggers that I could think of, and many of my favorites were left off the list. I feel bad that some of my absolute faves were left off the list so please feel free to e-mail me and harass me about not being included. Also, I should have listed separately my mother, father, husband, daughter, stepson, sisters, aunts, uncles, and in-laws. And sex should have been listed three times, while dildos listed twice. I think that covers everything...I never realized that a 200 favorite things list would be so complicated...


Well folks, I just noticed that I was approaching my 200th post so I decided to do something special to commemorate it (and to torture you because, well, it's fun). So here are 200 things I love (or like a lot) in no particular order:

1. My family
2. My friends
3. My in-laws' cat, Cricket
4. My sister's cat Lilac
5. Blogging
6. Writing
7. Reading
8. Being thin
9. SEX
10. The smell of books
11. Coffee
12. WINE
13. Pasta
14. Bread
15. Pizza
16. Chocolate
17. Ice cream
18. Pie
19. Cake
20. Cheese
21. My daughter's smile
22. My daughter's laugh
23. My husband's ass
24. How my husband looks when he wears his glasses--HOT!
25. James Marsden
26. Ryan Gosling
27. Julia Roberts
28. Movies
29. Musicals
30. My dog
31. Acting
32. Singing
33. Dancing
34. Weddings
35. Music
36. Ice Skating
37. Roses
38. Swimming
39. California
40. My Blackberry
41. My ipod
42. My computer
43. My bed
44. Sleeping
45. DILDOS!!!
46. The Red Sox
47. The Patriots
48. Tom Brady
49. Monkeys
50. Puppies
51. Tiffany necklaces
53. Jeans
54. Sweatpants
55. Babies
56. House
57. Hugh Laurie
58. American Idol
59. Ryan Seacrest
60. Pregnant bellies
61. Boobs
62. Kissing
63. Sunsets
64. The beach at night
65. Candles
66. Massages
67. Pedicures
68. Facials
69. Down comforters
70. The Jonas Brothers
71. The Laurie Berkner Band
72. Raffi
73. Trivial Pursuit
74. Tattoos
75. Body piercings
76. Mohawks
77. Brightly colored hair
78. A clean house
79. Well behaved kids
80. Feeling loved
81. Making people laugh
82. Giving hugs
83. Good conversation
84. Dinner in a great restaurant
85. Jim from IPR
86. He Blogs, She Blogs
87. Maggie, Dammitt
88. Vodka Mom
89. Elizabeth from Parenting Pink
90. Athena from Hot Child in the Suburbs
91. The Blogess
92. The Goodfather
93. Captain Dumbass
94. Busy Dad
95. Krystal from Mommy's Escape 6.0
96. The Stiletto Mom
97. Ron from CK's Lunchbox
98. Steenky Bee
99. Marinka from Motherhood in New York City
100. Braja
101. Casey from Half as Good as You
102. Jenny from Jiggety Jigg
103. The Redneck Mommy
104. Toni from A Daily Dose of Toni
105. Bee from Bee's Musings
106. Diane from Diane's Addled Ramblings
107. The Offended Blogger
108. Angie from Cup of Snarky
109. Cat from Zipbag of Bones
110. Cat from Three Bedroom Bungalow
111. Jay from Halftime Lessons
112. Black Hockey Jesus
113. Ballpoint pens
114. New journals
115. Scarves
116. Fun hats
117. Fleece blankets
118. Birthdays
119. Barbecues
120. Fireworks
121. Memories from my childhood
122. Reminiscing
123. Feeling appreciated
124. Shopping for clothes
125. Fall
126. Playing with my kids
127. Snuggling with my kids
128. Going on dates with my husband
129. Facebook
130. Playdates
131. Girls' Night Outs
132. Sex toy parties
133. SUV's
134. GPS navigation systems
135. Digital cameras
136. Pictures of my family
137. Dolphins
138. Penguins
139. The aquarium
140. New York City
141. Live theater
142. Long hair
142. Going to the hair dresser
143. Air hockey
144. Pinball
145. Bowling
146. Miniature golf
147. The color pink
148. The number 21
149. Raspberry Stoli
150. Beer
151. Peanuts
152. Pretzels
153. Chicken noodle soup
154. Grilled cheese sandwiches
156. Warm baths
157. Going to the park
158. Seeing old friends
159. Daydreaming
160. Being spontaneous
161. Dave Matthews Band
162. Elvis Costello
163. David Bowie
164. The Beatles
165. Jeff Buckley
166. Gwen Stefani
167. Johnny Cash
168. Tori Amos
169. Duran Duran
170. Rick Springfield
171. The Cars
172. The Police
173. Old Madonna
174. Old Michael Jackson
175. The Brat Pack
176. To Kill a Mockingbird
177. Van Gogh paintings
178. Black and white photos
179. Ann Geddes
180. Steve Carell
181. Flip-flops
182. Capri pants
183. A line dresses
184. Black clothing
185. Curly hair
186. Eye makeup
187. The smell of baby powder
188. Popcorn
189. Pilates
190. Bonfires
191. The smell of fire
192. The smell of gasoline
193. Iced tea
194. Fireplaces
195. Little kids
196. Getting dressed up
197. Feeling sexy
198. Superman
199. Girls who kick ass
200. DILDOS!!

There you have it. If you made it through the whole list, you are either a wonderful, loyal reader or have way too much time on your hands. Either way, thanks.

Here's to another 200 in 2009!

P.S. If you want to visit any of the blogs listed here, they are all on my blogroll. Sorry, I was too lazy to link them all.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Spinning the New Year: Resolutions

Well, 2008 has FINALLY come to an end, and I must admit, I am waving frantically goodbye to it, giving it the finger and screaming "GOOD RIDDANCE!!!" It wasn't the best of years, although I do have to thank 2008 for some really good stuff like my pay raise and especially for bringing me the wonderful world of blogging. But, I am looking forward to 2009 with much anticipation, hoping and praying that it kicks 2008's ass in the good stuff department. I am pretty sure it will, but to help it along, I am participating in Sprite's Keeper's Spin Cycle and coming up with some bad-ass resolutions that if I stick to (God willing), the year will be fabulous. So, here they are, in no particular order. Sorry there are so many, but I really sucked this year so I have to step up my game in 2009:

1. Lose at least 30 pounds by doing the following:

-Not eating everything and anything sweet and delicious in my general vicinity
-Avoiding those evil white carbs that like to cling to me like some annoying kid I never wanted and always resented for ruining my life
-Working out every day with a combination of cardio, weight lifting, yoga, and pilates (and stop making excuses for all the reasons I can't work out, such as work, the kids and I just don't feel like it)
-Drinking more water and less coffee and wine (this one's gonna be hard, but hopefully since 2009 is going to be a lot less stressful, I won't need these vices as much, right?)

2. Get more organized and file away those pesky bills every day that seem to pile up because I like to open them and put them in a pile and tell myself I will put them away later, which always ends up being a month or so later when it turns into a massive heap of paper and a day long project.

3. Really get our finances in order, including paying off all our debt and investing some money, cause you know, we will get old someday and I think those kids of ours might want to go to college.

4. Finish writing the book that I started a few months ago and haven't even looked at since. Don't ask me exactly what it is about, cause I really don't know yet. But I figure if I set aside time every week to work on it, it will eventually take shape on its own. Or it will just suck. Whatever. I'm going to finish it either way.

And finally, my favorite resolution, because it involves making MY life a little easier:

5. Set up a chore chart for Big Boy and REALLY use it! Seriously, it's about time that little mooch started carrying his weight around here and since the government says they will put me in jail if I send him to work in a sweatshop or something, I suppose giving him some chores will have to do. Unfortunately, this is going to call for a lot more of me nagging and reminding him, but I think it's a small price to pay for a little help around here. At least until I get my maid...

So that's it. Those are the things I am going to do to turn 2009 into the best year ever. Hopefully, if everything works out the way I'd like, I am going to end up being a wealthy and famous published writer with a rock hard smokin' bod and a supremely organized filing cabinet.

What more could you want?

Here's to everyone sticking to their resolutions and getting everything they want or need in the new year!

Can I get a WOOT WOOT?